thinking...

After my last post, a reader asked me what I was thinking. Well, Med, perhaps I write less about my thoughts because they are difficult to sort out. Or perhaps I write less about my thoughts, and more about what I'm doing, because my thoughts are so distressing right now. One of my goals with this blog is to provide some hope to other sufferers, and I'm not sure delineating my thoughts would provide a lot of hope right now. It is a difficult balancing act. I want to be real and authentic, but I don't want to drag my readers through the muck that is depression. I figure many of you have your own muck to deal with, and that's not what you hope to get here.

That being said, I can tell you my current thoughts are not great. I try not to focus on them. I am feeling hopeless. As I've noted here recently, there is something different about this depression episode. I am more discouraged, more hopeless, and more physically stricken than previous episodes. Suicide is a constant companion. No matter what actions I take, things that previously helped, nothing seems to dent the misery. And the misery leads to more stinking thinking.

I'm going through the motions. Motions are safer than thoughts. On good days I take a shower, get dressed, and leave my house. More typically, I throw on my sweats and struggle to stay awake. Today, laundry presents a monumental task. Somehow, I'll get it done. I'll also force myself out the door for my short jaunt with Puck. There will be no attempt at running today. No matter what motion I'm taking, I'll try to stay out of my brain. After all, there is nothing worth focusing on in there.

Walk. Run. Stop.

I've been doing okay with my plan to get outside once per day. I've walked or run short distances the last four days in a row. And by short, I mean less than 2 miles on most days. My mood, unfortunately, has remained at an all time low. It's frustrating and unbelievable.

Today, since it was Saturday, I decided to reinstitute a long run of sorts. After all, Boston is on the horizon, and if I am going to have any chance to complete it, I need to get some long runs done. To that end, I scheduled myself for an 8 mile walk/run today.

It was an absolutely gorgeous morning today. The warm winter weather we're having is amazing. I attended my usual AA meeting and then came home to nap. After napping, something I've been needing to do an abundance of lately, I stepped outside to begin my effort. Unfortunately, I knew from the start it wasn't going to be an easy day.

My plan was to run one mile, walk for one minute, and then run again. So really, I was heading out for 8, one mile runs. Doable, I thought. Unfortunately, my body didn't agree. I was winded almost immediately. By mile three, I had the urge to walk for way more than one minute, and after mile four I did just that. I walked through half of mile five, and by mile six, walking 100 percent of the time, I cut my route short and came home.

I was frustrated and disappointed. While I have to give myself credit for getting outside, I'm really stunned at how difficult/impossible my little experiment turned out to be. When I got home, I fell asleep again. My body, it seems, has a mind of its own right now. And that mind is a depressed, sad, fatigued mind at best. I am beside myself with frustration.

I'm trying to get out, even though I don't feel like it. I'm trying to participate in life, even though the thought repulses me. But this depression episode just won't let go. I'm tired all the time. My mood is in the toilet. My motivation is lacking. I'll try to forget about today, and I'll get back out on the road again tomorrow. Maybe two miles is the maximum I can expect from this tired body right now.

Readjustment

I'm in the process of readjusting some of my goals. Depression is not letting up. I'm struggling. And for the first time in a long time, running is nearly impossible. I've had plenty of depression episodes over the past ten years, but one saving grace of each episode has been that I've not lost the will or desire to run. Running has been difficult at times, but it's never left me. Running right now has left me. It's not only difficult. It's not fun. I just don't have the will, desire or energy to go.

I have also lost the will, desire, and energy to swim, bike, lift weights, or do just about anything physical. Since my marathon training plan calls for all of the above--swimming, lifting, biking, and running--I'm in the process of readjusting some of my expectations. My marathon training plan has basically been scrapped. I'm trying right now to be okay with that.

Instead of rigidly following my typical training plan, I've taken the suggestion to get out and move my body at least once daily. I have an empty calendar sitting on my kitchen table. My goal is to fill that calendar with at least a walk every single day. It's working. I've gone out walking for two days, and I was actually able to run a mile today. Such a small step, but it was an enormous accomplishment.

I have to have faith that small steps will lead to bigger and bigger accomplishments. I just need to keep at it. I don't have a clue if I'll be able to prepare for Boston or not, but today I ran a mile. Considering how awful I feel, that is a pretty big deal. I'll take it.

Looking Ahead

As we all know, no matter how we feel, life moves on. One of the events I am moving toward is The Boston Marathon. It is now only 11 weeks away, and I am as far out of running shape as I've been in the past 3-5 years. I managed a couple of 3-milers on the hospital treadmill while inpatient, and I've not done much more than that since coming home. On top of being plain out of shape, my right leg is still quite weak as a result of my knee surgery last October. Running, right now, is really difficult and no fun.

I've actually been contemplating skipping Boston, as 11 weeks is not really enough time to go from zero to the marathon, but I'd rather not skip it. It's important for me to go. It's important for me to get back in shape. It's important because going and getting back in shape are both ways for me to fight back--to battle against this ever-present depression--and to reclaim at least one positive aspect of my life.

I'm talking tough, but it's all talk. I really don't feel confident that I'll be able to battle back in time for Boston, but I've got to try. Today's effort consisted of a 4-mile long run. A 4-mile long run is a bit silly, but that's where I'm at. I was near tears by mile three. I'm not accustomed to running being so difficult, and I had to work hard to battle discouragement. Four miles was better than nothing.

My mood continues to be problematic. I am low, low, low. It's frustrating and scary. My mother is leaving tomorrow. It's been nice to have her here, and I'm a little worried about being alone again. I'm going to continue working an abbreviated schedule this week. The decision regarding disability, I figure, will eventually become clear. Life moves on. I've got to continue to move with it. I appreciate all of your comments, suggestions, and support as I battle through this difficult time. Thank you.

One moment to the next

I would love to begin this post by reporting that things are much improved around here. Unfortunately, I can't. I'm still feeling very, very low. I don't know why. I've stopped trying to figure it out. It is what it is. And I'm trying to move from one moment to the next as gracefully as possible.

My mother is here. She's been making me soups and freezing them. She also helped me sort through my bills and get my tax information gathered together. It's been good having her here. It's nice to have another person in my home. It makes life a little less lonely right now.

I returned to work on Monday. I've been working 4-5 hours every other day. I feel overwhelmed and incompetent at work. I think I'm doing an okay job, but I don't feel okay. I know I've done better at other times. My boss has been incredibly accommodating, and she's not pressuring me at all. But I put pressure on myself--pressure to work faster, pressure to work more efficiently, and pressure to work more hours. I feel bad leaving so much of the work for my boss. She's pulling more than her weight, and I feel guilty about that.

I'm actually in the process of deciding whether to keep my job or not. One option I have is to take disability. For the life of me, I can't make a decision about what to do. There are pros and cons to working, and there are pros and cons to taking disability (I would still work intermittently while on disability). My mom thinks I'm rushing back into regular work too soon. But mom is the only one willing to provide an opinion. Members of my treatment team are willing to discuss it, but none of them are willing to provide an opinion, so the decision is up to me. I value work, which is why I've gone back, but there are also valid reasons not to work. At this point, I'm hoping the decision will become clear as I move from one moment to the next.

I'm moving from moment to moment as gracefully as I can, but, damn, I wish I felt better! Unfortunately, I don't. It is what it is. All I can do, all I've been doing, is move forward one day at a time. I'm doing the best I can. I appreciate the support I've received here. It really is helpful knowing some of you understand. Thank you for all of your feedback and encouragement. I'll keep going if you will.

Still Overwhelmed

I've been home for a few days now. I'm not doing very well. I called my mother over the weekend, and she flew into town yesterday. I was lucky. She had a free ticket to use, so she's here for the next week to help me out. We have one month worth of bills to go through, tax information to gather, and general housework to accomplish. It's really hard for me to ask for help, but I'm glad she's here. I was basically a basket case for the last few days. I think things will be easier with her here to help.

I returned to work yesterday afternoon for four hours. Again, I felt like a fish out of water. I feel like I'm barely holding it together. I'm afraid I'm going to crack if someone looks at me cross-eyed. People welcomed me back, but I could barely stand it. I felt all questioning eyes upon me. I was very uncomfortable. I go back tomorrow for another four hours, and I'm not looking forward to it.

This illness has really torn me down this time. I feel totally beaten up. My self confidence is shot. I feel incompetent at work and at home. I have a sponsee calling to continue going through The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I feel incompetent to guide her on her sobriety journey, too. I feel worthless and useless. Depression has cut my legs out from under me this time, and I'm not sure how to get back on my feet. It's been a long time since I've felt this beaten. Just beaten...

Somehow I've got to drag myself back up into the realm of the living. I'm not there yet. I've got to get back on my feet, exercise, go to work, socialize, attend to my commitments, and live life on life's terms again. It's easier said than done. I'm praying for a reprieve.

Overwhelmed at Home

I got out of the hospital yesterday. My sponsor picked me up from the hospital, and then we picked up Puck from her house, and then we all came home. Oh my God! I am totally overwhelmed being home. Totally overwhelmed! I haven't been in my house since just after Christmas. My home feels sterile and unlived in. There are over 30 days of bills piled on my kitchen table. Nothing feels like my own. Everything feels foreign and confusing. I am a bit confused. After all, ECT effectively erases memory, and mine seems to be gone. It's difficult to describe, but I feel like a fish out of water in my own home. It's very unsettling. I've spent too much time crying my eyes out since I've been home, and right now I just want to curl up and cry some more. I don't know how I'm going to come through this. I'm so overwhelmed, and I feel so inept. I don't even know where to start. This illness has torn me down to the quick. I'm raw and exposed. Raw and exposed...

The Last ECT

I had my last ECT treatment today. It was uneventful, just the way I like it. I will be in the hospital overnight, and I will return home tomorrow morning. I can't wait to see my dog! I miss him so much! Apparently, he's been quite the charmer for his caretakers. I can't wait to return home with him and settle into our normal routine again.

Overall, I'm feeling 100% better than when I came into the hospital. I can't believe the difference a few weeks inpatient and a few dozen ECTs made. I'm like a new person. I hope to stay shiny and new for a long time to come.

I'm being discharged just in time to begin training for the Boston Marathon. I don't think I'll be breaking any speed records at Boston this year, but I'm going to run it nonetheless. I'm anxious to test out my newly healed right knee. Here's hoping it holds up to the rigors of marathon training.

That's all I have for today. I'm feeling healed. Depression, I think, has been beat back once again. I hope it's a long, long time before I need to see the inside of a hospital once again.

Doing better

Just a quick note to let you know things are looking up. As I said in my last post, we changed some of the ECT parameters on Friday, and so far that seems to be making a difference. I've had two treatments with the new parameters, and I'm definitely feeling brighter. At this point, I may be able to head home as early as Thursday. I have another treatment tomorrow. If things go really well, I'll just stop the ECTs at 11, rather than 12, and go home Thursday, rather than Saturday. I've been here a very long time, and I am definitely ready to go. After all, I need to begin training for Boston very soon, and that's almost impossible for me to do in here! We'll see how tomorrow goes. If I don't think doing one more ECT will provide any more benefit, I may be home the next time you hear from me!

Three more treatments

It's the end of another long, inpatient weekend. Thankfully, we at least had football to watch both Saturday and today. Other than that distraction, and a visit from Puck yesterday, it's been another long, boring weekend here. Puck is now staying at the home of my sponsor, as friends Bill and Cindy went on their own two week vacation. He seems to be no worse for my absence, but I worry about him and miss him terribly.

Tomorrow I will have ECT treatment number 10. It looks like we are going to do the full course of 12 treatments, which means I'm here until next weekend. We changed up some of the parameters for ECT treatment number 9 on Friday, and I am finally beginning to feel better. Yesterday, despite being long and boring, my mood was probably the best it's been since I arrived here 3 weeks ago. I'm more hopeful now that the final 3 treatments will knock the depression back for good.

I'm worried about finances. I''ve been off work since December 21st. That's almost 6 weeks without a paycheck. I'm not sure how that will work itself out, but I have to believe that it will. And when I return to work, it will be at about half the time I was working before this treatment episode. Thankfully, my boss is willing to work with me and has been flexible with my return. I'm grateful for that. I don't want to jump back in too soon, but I've got to pay my bills.

I'm praying for a positive week ahead. I'm not looking forward to being inside for another 5-6 days, but if the next three ECT treatments have the impact of the last one, things will be good. Wish me luck.