The Dreaded Taper

I used to really look forward to tapering for my marathons. I think that must have been when I was less experienced. I mean, what's not to love about slowly decreasing my running mileage over a period of three weeks? You'd think I'd feel rested and fresh by week three. Well, this is week three of my taper, and I feel like crud! Fortunately, I've learned from my experience. Crud is normal.

Yep, feeling like crud in the final days before a marathon is fairly normal for me, and I dislike it very much! I feel tired, and heavy, and slow. My legs ache, are as heavy as lead, and I swear I've gained 10 pounds. Despite running less, and as of this week, no longer lifting weights, my body feels fatigued. Even stranger, I tire easily, at work and at home. I just want to take a nap. It's weird, but it's normal.

I've been through this at least 21 times before. Over the last three weeks, I've gone from running over 50 miles a week and aggressively lifting weights to barely running and not lifting weights at all, yet I feel weary and dense. Thankfully, it will all be over soon. In 4 days I'll be on the starting line. I can't wait.

I can't wait to run. It's hard to know if I'm prepared when I feel like this. Certainly I don't feel prepared right now. I need to constantly reassure myself. I know I've done the training. I've run the speed workouts, the long runs, and all the miles in between. I've pressed, swung, and lifted kettlebells to condition my muscles, and I've further strengthened my core with suspension training. I put in the time needed. I can't allow myself to fret about feeling crappy. Soon it will end.

The only thing left to do now is wait. I've packed my bag, although I'm sure I'll check it again. I've lined up the dog-sitter. I've planned my meals, my clothing, and my race nutrition. I'll leave Thursday morning for the 3.5 hour drive north.

I'm going to spend some time with my family before Saturday's race. It's always nice to run Grandmas, as some of my family, including two of my young nephews, are usually able to watch. Hopefully, the weather will cooperate. And I hope my fatigue and heaviness give way to lightness and speed on race day. We shall see.

Lazy Blogger

I'm at least a day late in this update. As I stated in my last post, I've been busy living life on life's terms this week. I'm getting a lot of stuff done, but when it came time to sit down and write last evening, I just couldn't do it. I tried to figure out my new smart phone instead. I would have been much more successful if I had stuck to blogging.

I might be the last person on the planet to get a smart phone. It's a Samsung Galaxy, and I found out this morning I neglected to learn how to answer it! My parents, whose call I missed, got a big kick out of that one! They are 66 and 70 years old, and they both have iPhones!

You may think I am wise with technology, after all I am a blogger, but nothing could be further from the truth! I am a complete dope with this new phone, and I really dislike the entire learning process. I have a feeling it's going to take me awhile! I also missed a call from D. Still don't know how to answer the damn thing! No worries, I'm laughing, too.

The other reason I didn't write last night is because I am again feeling bad about having little to say. I think most people expect a bit more than news about how dumb I am with my new smart phone when they come to my blog. I am not so arrogant to think people are interested in the mundane minutia of my life, but mundane minutia is all I've got right now.

Of course, mundane is better than drama. There is no drama. My life is moving along smoothly. I stick to my daily routines. I go to work. I enjoy my running. I take my meds. I see my doctor. I don't drink. I attend meetings. I don't get too high or too low. It may look boring from the outside, but it seems to be working for me. I'm living well with depression. I guess that's something to write about.

Now, back to that damn smart phone!

Taking a breath

Things have been busy, busy, busy around here. It's beyond 9:30 PM, and this is the first chance I've had to sit and write today. Work has been keeping me very busy. Errands seem to be multiplying. I get one thing accomplished and another pops up. I'm keeping up with my AA meetings, at least two per week. Friends and co-workers have had several recent birthday outings and going away parties, including one tonight. Jet requires several hours of attention per day, and of course, there's running or weight lifting almost daily. But I am not complaining!

I'm not perturbed, even though there was a time when such bustling would have totally overwhelmed me. I'm not overwhelmed today. I do generally prefer a bit more quiet than I've had these last few days, but so far I'm finding the energy, stamina, and attitude to keep going. I'm keeping up, and I'm maintaining my mood while doing it. I'm grateful for that.

Having said that, I'm not long on words tonight. I've still got to make my lunch and find some clothes for work tomorrow. I have to pack my gym gear, as I have kettlebell class right after work. And I need to gather my AA materials, as my sponsor and I are scheduled to meet after kettlebell class. Before saying my prayers and closing my eyes tonight, I also need to give Jet a little time. He was in his kennel for much of the day, although right now he is outside chasing moths around the backyard. He makes me laugh! Lots to do, and grateful for the opportunities it all represents. Goodnight, my friends.

Not so gray

The weather remains cool, gray and wet around here. My mood, however, not so much. The dip I feared never really materialized, and for that I am extremely grateful. I saw my doc on Thursday, and she gave me a nice pep talk. She is so supportive. She reminded me I've worked very hard and devoted myself to maintaining my physical and mental health. She was confident I was having a little lull of which I could pull myself out. Her confidence in me feels good, and her pep talk did help. I left her office feeling emboldened and immediately experienced a lifting of my spirits. She gave me exactly what I needed at that time.

My sponsor and I got together Friday night, which always feels good. I love working my program of recovery, and my sponsor is a great role model. After attending an inspiring meeting this morning, two women celebrated over 25 years of sobriety, I got some more recovery time in while running 12 miles with my friend, T. I usually do all of my training alone, so it's always nice when T and I get together to cover some miles. I enjoyed our run and chat.

The rest of my weekend will be restful. I don't have to work. I'm tapering for Grandmas Marathon, so I don't have to run much. In a couple hours my house will be clean and my laundry done. There are a few social things going on, but I haven't yet decided if I will attend or not. I may just stay in and enjoy the peace.

If it doesn't rain, I may spend tomorrow in the woods with Jet. We haven't been hiking together yet. It was one of my favorite things to do with Puck, so I'm anxious to introduce Jet to my favorite state park and trails. I think he'll love it, and I know I will love watching him experience it for the first time.

Until we meet again, carry on with health and happiness, my friends.

Gray

The last few days have been tough. I think I'm experiencing a little dip in my mood. I don't think our cold, gray, wet weather has helped one bit. I think we've seen the sun once in the past 7-10 days. It's been 60 degrees, gray and wet for at least 3 consecutive days with no end in sight! I've never experienced such a wet, gray Spring, and I hope I never have to again. Even my 90 year old patients are amazed. They've never seen anything like this! And that's saying something!

The cold, wet and gray have finally worn me down, I think. Staying upbeat and positive when surrounded by gray has gotten more difficult. My mood is beginning to match the weather. Over the past several days I've been more tired and had less energy. I've struggled with irritability, something I usually don't struggle with at all, especially at work. I've found less joy in simple things and fretted more about things of which I have no control. I've sought out friends less and spent more time alone. These are all signs that something is amiss.

Of course, like many of you, after 3-4 days of this, I worry about the heavy black fog slowly engulfing me once again. And yet, I feel more confident I can handle it even if that is what this is. That's a little different. While I'm worried about the darkness descending, I also have a sense I'll get through it. It may not be easy or comfortable, and I definitely won't like it, but I know it will pass. I'll just have to walk through it one step and one day at a time, and I know I can do that. I've done it many times before.

I've walked through a lot of darkness and pain over these past 12 years, and yet here I am. History is on my side. But let's hope all this anticipation is for naught. Tomorrow is another day. Perhaps the sun will shine. Perhaps my mood will brighten. Perhaps 3 or 4 days is the entirety of this episode. That's the hopefulness I will hang onto when I say my prayers and close my eyes tonight. Stay well, my friends.

Annual Review

Within the past couple weeks, I've had annual employment reviews with my supervisors at each of my two regular jobs. I don't know anyone who quivers with excitement at annual review time, and I am no different. But I do like one thing which both current employers do as part of the review process. They both require feedback from coworkers. The yearly feedback from my colleagues then becomes a permanent part of my employee file. I like that.

There was a time I wouldn't have liked that piece of the process. I wasn't a very good coworker then, and I really didn't care what my colleagues thought. I cared only about me. That was before I got sober.

Things have changed in the last 8 years. While it is still a bit daunting to find out what others are thinking, I now appreciate the feedback. I want to know if I'm living up to the expectations of those around me. If I'm not, I want to know what I can do better. It's as simple as that.

Here's the amazing part. As I've become more open and responsive to feedback, my coworkers'  feedback has been nothing but complimentary, generous and kind. In my most recent review, just a couple days ago, words such as cheerful, smiling, willing, team, and pleasure were used. That is a miracle of sobriety.

There was a time when I never would have been described as "always cheerful" or "always smiling." Life was too serious for that. Besides, work was a necessary evil, not something to be enjoyed. Being described as "a pleasure to work with" made me smile with gratitude. What a nice thing to say. But perhaps the words of which I was most satisfied were willing and team, as in, "etta is a team player who is always willing to take on extra assignments, go wherever we need her, or help coworkers so we all get out of work together and on time." That, my friends, is a miraculous statement.

Eight years ago I was not a team player, nor was I willing to do more than required, unless of course, doing so directly and positively affected me. I am not that person anymore. I know that. Yet I am still surprised (and satisfied) to see those miraculous statements. I can't tell you how different those reviews would have been prior to my sobriety. Really, I can't say it loud enough or with enough impact to help you understand. I am a different human being today.

I am a different human being today, and I owe it all to living life on life's terms, doing the next right thing, trusting in a power greater than myself, and working the program of recovery in my everyday life. What a gift! I am grateful to be sober today, but more than that, I am grateful sobriety gave me the tools to live a life worth living, and also that I've been willing to use those tools to become a worthwhile, productive human being. Yes, I am proud of that. It is a magnificent gift.

Still glowing

The experience of Sunday's marathon is still with me. I suppose I could be accused of hanging onto the glow a bit too long, but I don't care. I am still so pleased with how I ran. I'm pleased I stuck to my plan and ran conservatively early, which allowed me to run fast at the end. I'm pleased I felt good throughout the run. I'm pleased the entire race felt fairly easy. And I'm really pleased with the result! I hope I feel this good after Grandmas Marathon next month.

I am feeling more confident about the possibility of running well at Grandmas now. If I train smart between now and then, I hope to run a personal best. I think that's a realistic goal, so I'm going to go for it. That will mean less fun and more pain, but if I can do it, I may glow for a whole week afterward!

I just got in from my first run since the marathon. I went 9 miles, which was probably 3 miles too far based on how tired my legs were during the last few miles. They were probably a little tired already, as I went to my kettlebell class last night and got a heck of a workout!

It's actually nice to sit down. It's my day off, and I've had a very busy day full of appointments and cleaning and errands. But my laundry is done, my house is clean, my refrigerator is full, and my errands are run. It's nice to have a day off during the week to do all of these things. I like being productive. It's very satisfying.

Well, that's all I've got for now. My mood remains good. Things are going well. Life goes on. Keep moving forward, my friends.

That was FUN!

I had a great run today at The Med-City Marathon! I bumped into my friend and co-worker, Maureen, at the starting line, and we quickly decided to help each other. She was attempting to re-qualify for Boston, for which I am already qualified, and was looking to run around 8:50 per mile. Perfect. As I stated in my post yesterday, my plan was to run just under 9 minutes per mile for at least the first 10 miles. So we started the race together.

Around mile 3, we began conversing with a third woman, Beth from Des Moines. She was also running our pace, so the three of us ran and talked together for the next 11 miles. Unfortunately, Maureen dropped off the pace just before mile 14, so Beth and I continued together. We ran stride for stride, chatted, and quickened our pace with each successive mile. Beth dropped back just before mile 20, so I went ahead alone.

It had begun to rain around mile 18, and by mile 20 it was raining steadily. With the temperature only in the mid-40's, a stiff wind, and the soaking rain, it got a bit chilly, but I didn't mind. I ran mile 21 in 8 minutes, 13 seconds. After slowing to 8:24 the next mile, I ran miles 23, 24, and 25 at 8:14 each. I felt great despite the rain. Mile 26 was my fastest mile of the day, 8:09, and I finished the final two tenths of a mile at a strong, but still comfortable, 7:40 pace. It was great.

There is nothing better than flying toward the finish of a marathon and feeling good all the while. I finished in a very respectable 3:46:02. I was the 25th of 143 women overall and 9th out of 42 women in my age group. That was all nice, but I was most pleased with running a huge negative split. I ran the second 13.1 miles of the race 7 minutes and 20 seconds faster than I ran the first 13.1 miles! That was pretty cool.

I am quite pleased that I stuck to my plan. I ran conservatively for the first 15 miles. I was easily able to drop my pace after that, and running as fast as I did over the last 10 kilometers was a bonus I did not expect. I enjoyed running with Maureen and Beth. We talked the entire way, and the miles quickly clicked by. I rarely run with other people, and almost never do I chat during a race, especially a marathon! But I was comfortable, relaxed and having fun. It was fun!

I'm now feeling more confident about my current level of fitness. I'm feeling more confident about the possibility of running well at Grandmas. If my training over the next four weeks goes well, I may just try to run a personal best. We'll see. That's more than I need to think about right now. I think I'll continue glowing about today for just a few more minutes first.

Pre-Marathon Prep

I know I said it was only going to be a training run, and I may not run beyond the 20-mile mark, but I am preparing today as if I will be competing in and finishing my 21st marathon tomorrow. I know myself pretty well, and unless my run is going very badly, I know I will have a difficult time walking off the course tomorrow. Nevertheless, that is still the plan. I will run the first 20 miles conservatively, as my final 20 mile training run for Grandmas Marathon in June, and only finish the final 6.2 miles if I am feeling well.

I do hope all goes well, and I am going to sincerely try to stick to my game plan. I'd like to run the first 8-10 miles just under 9 minutes per mile. If I can stick to that plan, I should have plenty of energy to complete miles 10-20 at a pace somewhere between 8:30 and 8:45. And if I can stick to that pace, I should be able to complete the entire race without hurting my chances of running well at Grandmas.

The weather for tomorrow looks a bit iffy. It may be perfect. It may rain. The temp is supposed to be around 50-60 degrees, which is great, but there is also the possibility of rain and wind. That would not be great. I'm having a difficult time figuring out what to wear. I think I'm going to go with shorts, tank top, and long sleeve shirt. If I get warm, I'll have to tie the shirt around my waist, but if I go without the long sleeve shirt and it rains, I'll likely get too cold. I'm sure my clothing dilemma is quite fascinating to you, but this is what one goes through the day before a marathon. It's not very exciting.

Besides my clothing options, which are laid out in my bedroom, I've got my number, gels, watch and sunglasses on the kitchen table ready to go. I'm sure I'll go through and reorganize everything at least once more before I go to bed. I've already eaten my main pre-marathon meal, so the rest of the day will be bananas, a little rice, and possibly some yogurt. I'm very worried about my recent battles with GI distress returning tomorrow, so I'm trying to eat bland food conservatively. Let's hope that helps.

Other than marathon preparation, I have little else to report today. My mood continues to be good. Jet continues to be hilarious. Work is going well. I am really enjoying my patients and co-workers these days. And hopefully tomorrow will leave me feeling excited and confident for my future running and racing. Life is good.

If you live in the USA, don't forget to thank a veteran this weekend. I work with many amazing, humble WWII veterans everyday. I think we sometimes take our freedom, and everything that goes along with it, for granted. Were if not for the sacrifices of our veterans, the freedom we enjoy today might not be guaranteed. Thank you vets! I appreciate your service.

New Photos of Jet

I've taken lots of pictures of Jet over the past 4 months. He's 8 months old now, and he seems to be going through a bit of a growth spurt. He's also a nut! He's incredibly curious and playful. And he rarely tires. He can entertain himself for hours by tossing a toy, a stick, or even a leaf around the room or yard. After tossing it, he chases it, pounces on it, grabs it in his mouth, shakes it side-to-side, and then starts the process all over again. It is hilarious to watch. He's quite the clever comedian. He makes me laugh out loud multiple times each day. I am so grateful we found each other four months ago. Here are some recent pictures.

 Looking handsome in my kitchen.

 

 Stalking who-knows-what in D's backyard.

 

 "I'm not doin' nothing!" I interrupted Jet while he was burying his bone. Notice the dirt on his nose.

 

 Wrestling with Jet on the Milwaukee waterfront, as D tries to get a good picture of us.

 

I lost the wrestling match, but the kiss more than made up for it!