Battling the post marathon blues

One of the most popular posts on this blog is about post marathon depression. I wrote it after I ran Grandma's this year. At that time, I sensed the beginning of a post marathon drop in my mood. I think I'm smack in the middle of that drop right now. Scary.

Like I said, post marathon depression is a hot topic here, so I guess I'm not alone in this. That helps. I am feeling absolutely spent. Boston's early field closure doesn't help, but it's more than that. I'm definitely feeling out of sorts, direction-less, and drained. I guess it makes sense. I worked very hard for 4 months with one, singular goal to keep me moving. Now...nothing.

I haven't run a step since the race. I haven't swam. I haven't biked. Nothing. I've been battling a migraine for the past two days, which hasn't helped. I guess I need a goal to get going again. I'm formulating one. It involves another marathon, but that's all I'm going to say for now. I'm planning to run Saturday, maybe even go long. Sometimes I have to jump all the way in to get going again. But I think a new goal is the answer. Now, if I could just get off the couch!

NO Boston for me...

The 2010 Boston Marathon is closed. The 2010 Boston Marathon has reached its field limit of 25,000 runners, and there is no way to sign up for the race anymore. There is no waiting list. There is no entry...period. So there will be no Boston Marathon in 2010 for me.

Talk about a major disappointment... I'm so glad I didn't know this before my race. That would have made it very difficult to keep going when I felt bad. My qualifying time is good for 18 months, so I will sign up for the 2011 Boston Marathon, but a lot can happen in 1.5 years. After working so hard for this one singular goal, I'm still dumbfounded that I won't be able to participate in the culminating event. Dumbfounded and sad...

Oh, and did I mention it officially closed on November 13th--one day before the Richmond Marathon?

The Stats

Time: 3:46:57

Pace: 8:37 per mile

Place: 30th out of 323 women in age group

The recap

2:46:57

I'm really proud of myself. At mile 11, my legs were done. I had hustled back on pace from a pit stop at mile 8, and we had just finished 3 miles of rolling hills. I was in the midst of composing my blog post in my brain. The title was to be, "Missed again." I was grieving...thinking of everything that had gone wrong--too much walking the day before the race, the injured calf, forgetting to buy yogurt (my usual food) for breakfast, travel stresses... I had a lot of sadness and negative thinking going on.

Despite my faulty thoughts and failing legs, I decided I wouldn't walk until at least mile 13.1--the halfway point. I don't know why. It was just a little goal. I had already played other brain tricks earlier in the race. For instance, at mile six I remember thinking, "Only 10 more miles until there's 10 more miles left to go." Perhaps that thought of mile sixteen is what kept me going once I reached halfway. At mile 13.1 I thought, "Give yourself a chance. Just get to 16." And that became my theme.

"Give yourself a chance," I kept repeating. And by that I meant keep running on pace until mile __ before thinking about slowing, walking or quitting. It worked. I made it to mile 16, on pace, and felt a hell of a lot better than I had at mile 11 or mile 13. "Give yourself a chance, etta. Just make it to mile 18," and I did. And then the goals were miles 20, 22, and 23. By mile 22, I was pretty sure I was going to make it. Miles 23-26 were perhaps the toughest miles I had ever run, but I didn't slow. I was determined.

"If it was easy, anyone could do it." That was my thinking over the final 3.2 miles. Any time I thought it was too hard, I reminded myself it was supposed to be hard. That's what would make it special. And special it was. I exuberantly yelled, "I qualified," as I ran toward the finish line. As far as I was concerned, the spectators were all cheering for me. HA! It was my ten seconds of fame.

I was very emotional and held back tears after I crossed the finish line. Those first 11 miles were filled with physical discomfort and emotional negativity. I think I am more proud of battling back from that than I am of qualifying for Boston.

In many ways, the race was a microcosm of my last 4-5 months. Remember July? Gripped by depression, I could barely get out of bed. From my bed to a qualifying marathon... I don't know what else to say. I'm happy. I'm grateful. Life is good today.

QUALIFIED!

I QUALIFIED
I QUALIFIED
I QUALIFIED!

more later...
first a nap!

Waiting out the storm

After a very long day of travel yesterday, I finally arrived into a very wet, windy, and cold Richmond, Virginia, last night. The recent hurricane deposited days of rain right over the top of the East Coast. As I awaited the Holiday Inn shuttle, I began an inventory of my suitcase. Not nearly enough cold weather gear in there! After all, the last time I checked the weather, it said it was going to be up to 69 degrees on Saturday! Damn!

The Holiday Inn shuttle, which I had arranged literally hours earlier, did not show up. That should have been my first clue. I arrived at a hotel which looked nice on the surface, but the place was dirty and broken beneath. Besides the lack of promised amenities--like a refrigerator and microwave--there was a dirty rag hanging over my shower rod, my heater was busted, the card key worked only 50% of the time, and the place was woefully understaffed. I spent the night, but today I'm transferring to a Comfort Inn down the street. I will certainly think twice before staying at another Holiday Inn.

So it's been a rough start to my trip. They say the rain is going to stop today. God, I hope so! It looks like it may be just warm enough for my attire, but I will be looking for some clothing deals at today's expo. I'm hoping to get checked into my new digs early, get quickly through the expo, go for a short run, and then spend the rest of the day relaxing. I need to get back into the mental groove of marathon prep and put these recent stresses behind me. Hopefully, things will get smoother from here on out. The gun goes off at 8:00 AM eastern time tomorrow morning!

Testing the leg

I know. I know. I said I wasn't going to run on my injured leg before the marathon this Saturday. But it was such a gorgeous, warm, sunny day again today, I couldn't stand the thought of swimming inside! So I tested my leg.

I had another reason to get out and test my leg. I was feeling really heavy. I needed some time on my feet to build confidence for the weekend. I ran 5.1 miles, including 4x400 at 5K pace. I had discomfort with every step, but it was a tightness in my calf rather than the sharp pain I had last week. The swimming, biking and rest did make a difference, I think.

As I hoped, running fast felt good. I worked out some cobwebs. I'm feeling lighter and more confident now. I'm also feeling a bit more nervous. Hard to believe the marathon is only a few days away. It's frustrating to be injured after excellent training for all but the last two of these past 18 weeks. But it is what it is. That's what makes the marathon special. If it was easy, everyone would run one! Hopefully, I'll find the comfort and speed I need on marathon day.

Cleaning and clearing

I don't know about you, but when I'm feeling a bit out of sorts my house usually shows it. Thoughts strewn about my brain are matched by clothes strewn about my house. A dingy, gray mood is paralleled by a dingy, gray kitchen and bath. Interestingly enough, I find the reverse is also true. That is, when my house is messy, cluttered, and dingy, my mind and mood soon follow.

Now I am not a neat freak. I appreciate clean, but my house is my base of activity. There are running clothes drying on various door knobs, work shoes resting wherever I removed them, and bills lying open next to my computer. This is the norm. The problem arises when the vacuum stays in the closet, the broom rests by the refrigerator, and the cleanser hides in the vanity. This, unfortunately, is the current state. And what do you know, my mind and mood are headed in the same messy direction!

So today is cleaning day. Even though I hate cleaning, I need to clean my house to clear my mind. There are so many things I would rather do. Unfortunately, ignoring the clutter is eventually dangerous for my mental well being. Wish me luck today as I confront my mess. I'll let you know how it turns out!

Not to run...

Easily the nicest, warmest, sunniest day we've had since maybe August passed today without me stepping out on the road. Instead, I went inside to swim. Ugh! I swam and swam and swam. I had a 10-12 mile run scheduled, so I figured a 60 minute swim might be approximately equivalent. I swam for 60 minutes, the first time I've ever done that, and I covered 3000 yards, the greatest distance I've ever swam. I'm grateful I was able to swim that far and that long, but I still wish I had been outside! There is no substitute for running! Only 7 days until my marathon...

Saddened by death.

I learned last night of two deaths which directly resulted from alcoholism. One young man and one middle-aged woman, both of whom previously worked a program of recovery, passed away this week. Relapse leading to death...it makes me so frightened and so sad.

I've been struggling with drinking thoughts since my sponsor's relapse. They scare me. These two people who died were no different than I. They were accomplished, intelligent human beings who chose to act on their drinking thoughts. Why them and not me?

I wonder sometimes. Why am I getting it--recovery--when so many others are not? And what if I stop getting it? I have to assume that I, too, would die. If the drinking didn't kill me, the alcohol's depressant effect would surely spin me into suicide. Why haven't I picked up a drink while others, with far more sobriety than I, have picked up? I don't know. There but for the grace of god go I.

Alcoholism is a crazy, scary, deadly disease. I am so grateful to be sober today.

insomnia

It's 4 AM, and I'm awake. Actually, I've been awake since 2:45 AM. It was (is) one of those nights. After awakening multiple times, and finally staying awake after 2:45, I decided to get up and go for my run. Yup, I went running at 3 AM. Crazy, huh?

Actually, it was worse than crazy. It turned out to be dumb. My right calf and shin hurt every step of the way. I'm a PT. I know if a painful area does not improve within the first few minutes of running, it means I should stop running. I didn't. I only made it 3.5 miles, but it was a long, painful, dumb 3.5 miles.

I'm really pissed that I'm injured after all this training! Of course, running through it like I did this morning was not helpful. I likely made things worse. If I had stopped running, like I planned a few days ago, and started swimming instead of running, like I planned a few days ago, I might already be on the mend. I just have to hope it's not too late.

I also have to battle like hell NOT to go back out on the road prior to my race. I have to trust I'm ready and in shape. I have to have the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. At this point in time, I should be able to maintain my fitness with swimming. If I can stay off the road, my leg just may heal enough that every step of my marathon will not be painful. God, I hope so!