Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Friday, January 25, 2008

rut.

Why does a rut seem to feed on itself? Thereby making a rut into a big rut, and a bit rut into a huge rut, and a huge rut into the Grand Canyon!!! If there is something wider and deeper than the Grand Canyon, I am afraid I just might discover it within the next couple days! God, I hate this!! Ruts SUCK!
The only thing hungrier than a rut is ME when I am in a rut! And of course, I scarf up crud and crap and chocolate when I am in a rut, which feeds my gut and the rut, which expands the gut and the rut, and...I feel like crap.
I feel like crap when my house is a mess, and my dishes aren't done, and there are bills piled on my kitchen table, and the laundry I did last week is still hanging on the drying racks in my living room (which was supposed to force me to put it away because I wouldn't want to walk around it). The deepening rut led to the compounded mess, and the mess resulted from my inactivity (i.e. rut) these last 4-5 days.
Well, okay, I got into the pool yesterday, but other than that it's been hot fudge and recliner all the way! What's up with that? Why does everything feel so damn hard? I know it will pass. I have been here before. I am much better at waiting these things out than I used to be. I just pray the mess doesn't get too great, the physical shape too misshapen, and the hole too deep before the rut starts to fill itself in.
If only I could turn the rut into a mountain once in awhile...hmmm...that could be fun!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Oh, I know how you feel. I can't stop the negative thinking although I am trying to give it a shot. Sometimes, you just have to sink into the rut. Fighting it takes more energy and it will pass although when you are in it- it feels never ending. I know. Me- I need encouragment to get off my butt. I have been in a rut for 2 years. Can you imagine? Although I have started doing yoga which has been wonderful and I am trying to run although I don't seem to have the energy for it- I am also a vegan and I think that is half my problem sometimes. Anyway, glad to have found this web page! beth



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