Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

SLOW DOWN!!

STOP THE WORLD! I want to get OFF!

Everything feels like it is happening too fast!
Or it is supposed to be happening too soon!
I don't feel like I have time to prepare for anything!
Yet, that may not be reality!
But it doesn't matter if it is reality or not, does it?
Because it still IS!

Stop the world! I want to get off!
I need a break!
And yet, didn't I just have a break?
Yes...so why wasn't that enough?
How much of a break do I need?
And does it make any sense that one of my main stressors today is that I've been offered another break?
A week in Colorado, in the mountains, at a family cabin, with people I love...
And I'm complaining?
How pathetic is that?
How can this opportunity cause more stress?

WHAT AM I AFRAID OF?
Why do I feel so overwhelmed, rushed, and inadequate?
Why must another opportunity cause so much stress that I'm actually thinking I may not go!
Every chance I get raises more questions I can't adequately answer, prioritize, or ignore!
So much to do. So much to do.
It feels like too much to do. Too many decisions to make...
And I can't seem to slow it down.
My brain can't keep track of it all, and I don't know which end is up!

What do I do first?
Is this more important than that?
What about the other thing?
When will that fit in?
If I do this, and that, and that; will I have time to do the other?
Or will I just end up with more on my list?

That's what seems to happen. One thing sprouts into many more things.
Instead of being finished, I've only opened another can of worms.
And my list grows.
And my brain can't keep up.
And I can't figure out what's important and what's not?
And I'm afraid of this, and I'm afraid of that.
And I'm afraid to say no because I feel I should be able to handle it.
And I'm afraid to ask for time away because I feel I'm already not doing as much as "normal" people anyway.
And I can't seem to get anything done even when the time appears, which has to be one of the most frustrating things of all!!
What is wrong with me?

Stop the world! I want to get off!
Of course, then what would I do?
I'm afraid I don't know the answer to that either...
HELP!

Please help.

3 comments:

deepblue said...

I'm sorry I don't have any answers or help. But I do know exactly how you feel (or maybe not that - but I have felt exactly what you've described).
I've always thought it's interesting that positive stress feels just as stressful as negative stress. Anything that introduces change, for good or bad, can be felt as stress, I think.
I don't know. I'm stressed about a whole ton of things I need to do today and am checking out my blogs instead to avoid doing it!! yep

Shiv said...

I don't know if you've read the comments around about Steven Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, but one of the points he makes in there is the importance of learning to say "no". It's better to do a few things well than do a few things rushed and miss deadlines on others.
*hugs*
Easier said than done tho, I know!
~Shiv

titaniumrose said...

I can sympathize with what you're feeling, I've been there too. Right now it feels like someone is playing your life like a movie on fast forward and they won't give you the remote control and it sucks. I don't really have any good advice other than to try and take some deep breaths and force things to slow down to your speed. Bend nature to your will, make it work for you. It's not ideal, but it's the best I've got. Hang in there, things are bound to get better. I'll think good thoughts for you. :)



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