Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

trouble...

I'm in trouble.
I'm tired.
I'm lethargic.
I could care less
about running
or goals.
I couldn't go yesterday.
Today doesn't seem different.
And I don't care...that's the trouble.

I don't care.
Not a good place for me to be.
Trouble.
I don't care is unsafe.
I don't care is frustrating...no it's not.
Frustration would require caring,
and I don't care.
Trouble.

I don't care is unsafe.
I don't care is heavy and stuck.
I don't care is sleep and sleep some more.
I don't care is restricting.
leaden
shackles
binding
my
feet
I can't move...that's the trouble.

I can't move is trouble.
I can't move is sickening
fattening
frustrating.
I can't move is frustrating.
Frustration is trouble.

I'm in trouble.
Trouble is trouble.

Trouble drinks.
Trouble cuts.
Trouble thinks.
Trouble hurts.
Trouble sinks.

Trouble
s
i
n
k
s
.
.
.

8 comments:

Michelle (The Beartwinsmom) said...

((((((Etta))))))

I hate that sinking feeling, too. I hope you can find a flotation device soon and start bobbing your way back to the top.

etta said...

love the metaphor, michelle. thanks.

Anonymous said...

Etta,
I read your blog faithfully, but I've never posted before. Your description of depression is poetic and perfect. But, I hope you get that "flotation device" soon like Michelle. Remember, just a few days ago you won the battle vs. the brain. Stay Strong!

etta said...

anonymous--Thanks for the very nice comment. I appreciate you reading and posting.

Asdquefty said...

I hope you feel better soon, etta. You've made great triumphs in your battle with depression, and you will have many triumphs in the future.

The only way to go is up, and people care for you a lot more then you feel at the moment. Take care.

Maia said...

I'm sorry you are feeling so badly. Hang in there.

PATRICK said...

HOLY SPIRIT

About 4years ago I dropped into a black hole – four months of absolute terror. I wanted to end my life, but somehow [Holy Spirit], I reached out to a friend who took me to hospital. I had three visits [hospital] in four months – I actually thought I was in hell. I had been seeing a therapist [1994] on a regular basis, up until this point in time.


I actually thought I would be locked away – but the hospital staffs were very supportive [I had no control over my process]. I was released from hospital 16th Sep 1994, but my fear, pain & shame had only subsided a little. I remember this particular morning waking up [home] & my process would start up again [fear, pain, & shame]. No one could help me, not even my therapist [I was terrified].


I asked Jesus Christ to have mercy on me & forgive me my sins.Slowly, all my fear has dissipated & I believe Jesus delivered me from my “psychological prison.” I am a practicing Catholic & the Holy Spirit is my friend & strength; every day since then has been a joy & blessing.


I deserve to go to hell for the life I have led, but Jesus through His sacrifice on the cross, delivered me from my inequities. John 3: 8, John 15: 26, are verses I can relate to, organically. He’s a real person who is with me all the time. I have so much joy & peace in my life, today, after a childhood spent in orphanages [England & Australia]. Fear, pain, & shame, are no longer my constant companions. I just wanted to share my experience with you [Luke 8: 16 – 17].

I, PATRICK, AM THE HOLY ONE OF GOD.

etta said...

@ Patrick-- I struggled with keeping or deleting your comment. Ultimately, I kept it here because it was YOUR experience, and because you didn't claim that your experience would "cure" everyone's depression.

I have trouble with people claiming religion will cure mental illness, just as I have trouble with people claiming AA will cure mental illness. Ultimately, my mental illness improved once I started to attend AA meetings, just as yours did when you started praying and attending church. I don't think that means AA will "cure" depression any more than I think jesus will "cure" depression.

In reality, my depression improved once I started attending AA because I suddenly had something outside myself in which to put my faith. But more importantly, I had an instant community of like-minded, compassionate, caring individuals with whom to share my life and garner support. Whether it is alcoholism, depression, cancer, or multiple sclerosis--having a supportive, like-minded community surrounding you makes all the difference in the world.

However, if I stop taking my meds, my AA community and lifestyle will not keep my depression from returning full-force. We can't keep the liver tumor of one of our beloved members from growing, either, though all of us have prayed for that miracle.

I don't know your situation, but I have seen too many times where someone with any illness, but especially mental illness, finds a church community during their recovery, and thinking that the church cured them, stops taking their meds or going to their appointments only to be swallowed up in despair again.

Unfortunately, I have also seen some of these people refuse to re-start their supportive therapies (including meds) because they think, or are being TOLD, that they just aren't working the program or praying hard enough. Shame, guilt, and desperation follow, which only exacerbates the suffering.

In my case, AA was the last piece of the puzzle. It was not the whole picture. There are many who feel AA is the whole solution, just as there are likely many who feel religion is the whole solution, and that is frustrating.

I would urge others with mental illness to undertake any healthcare changes and decisions with their medical provider. For some, AA or church may be enough to allow discontinuation of other therapies, but in my opinion those decisions should be made in conjunction with your treatment team.

I'm glad you found your solution, Patrick. Please continue to be non-directive when relaying your solution to others. What works for one does not necessarily work for all. I wish continued good health to you. Thanks for your comment.



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