Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

thoughts under the SAD light

I'm sitting in front of my SAD light this morning. It's awfully tough to see my computer screen, but the bigger issue is needing to sit here at all. I'm so frustrated. This fatigue is really wearing on me. It's so wearing my mood is sinking, hence the need to sit in front of this damn light.

I'm frustrated because I went to bed at 7:30 last night. I'm frustrated because I couldn't stay awake beyond 7:30 last night. In fact, I wanted to go to bed at 6:30, but feeling that was too ridiculous, I forced myself to stay awake. I slowly pedaled my bike. I did 10 weak sit-ups and minimal lower leg strengthening. I performed all of this in front of my television. By 7:30 PM I gave up and went to bed.

At least, I thought, going to bed early would allow me to get up early and start my day. I set out my running clothes. I set my alarm. I planned my run and fell asleep. Yet, here I am, typing--2 hours after my alarm initially blared. Whoever created the snooze button should be shot! It didn't matter how loud or long that alarm went off, I couldn't wake up. I knew the clothes were waiting for me. I knew Puck was ready--always. I knew I'd feel sooooo much better if I got out the door. None of it mattered. Despite going to bed at 7:30 PM, I couldn't pull myself out of bed until 7:30 AM. Pathetic.

I have a full day today, and now it's busier because I still need to run. Hell, I still need to wake up! Hopefully, this damn SAD light will brighten (pun intended) my mood and my day. If not, I'm not sure what else to do.

1 comment:

Emma said...

Etta,
You are brave, you are strong, and even when it is difficult, you keep trying. Perhaps share a little of the tenderness and care you give to Puck with yourself. One of the hardest lessons I am learning is to be gentle with myself, and to believe that I am worth the effort.
Take care Em



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