Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Back on the bike.

This week, both my therapist and my psychiatrist encouraged me to get back to it. You see, my mood has been slipping since the last few days in Colorado, and I've taken to my bed for many, many hours since I've been home. Feeling poorly has led to laziness, lethargy, and eating poorly. Laziness, lethargy and eating poorly have led to feeling worse. It's been a vicious cycle, and I needed to get out of it.

So get back at it, they said. Get on the bike. Go for a run. Take a swim. Oh, if only it were that easy... But of course they were right. I knew that. It's just been so hard to escape the rut. Until today. Today I got back on my bike.

It's the first time I've been on my bike since the triathlon, June 20th. I had a staff inservice at work, so I got on the bike and rode a 15 mile, hilly route to get there. After sitting in the meeting for a couple hours, I rode the same hilly route back home. In total, I traveled over 31 miles in just under two hours. It was hard, but I'm so glad I was able to motivate myself to go.

I'm worried about my mood. I'm worried about my lack of motivation, lethargy, tearfulness, and inability to take proper care of myself. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't feel like setting any new goals. I feel like sitting on my ass, eating chocolate, getting fat, and sleeping. That is not a good sign. Plus, if I do what I feel like doing, I'll end up in a desperate state.

So I'm really glad I got on my bike today. I don't want to end up in a desperate state. I know this is a time I need to fight. But how does one fight when fighting is the last thing I feel like doing?

5 comments:

NOS said...

"But how does one fight when fighting is the last thing I feel like doing?"

Wow. That question certainly speaks to me. I wish I knew the answer for you (and myself!). My therapist at the treatment center I was at last fall used to say that feelings are only feelings and that they don't have to make choices for you. You can act differently then how you are feeling. Of course, this is really, really difficult. But I think he has a point (as he usually did).

I'm glad you were able to motivate yourself to get back on your bike. It sounds like you are already fighting!

Wishing you well,
NOS

Kelly said...

I don't know the answer, but I know I feel the same way.

The Depressed Reader said...

How does one fight when that is the last thing you feel like doing? By pushing oneself.

This Wednesday I went to a local running group for the second time. The workout is pretty tough for me, they do interval training. It is two days later, and I am still tired and sore.

But tougher than the workout itself is the social anxiety and the very strong urge to not go, stay home, to go next time, go when I feel better.

But if I do that, I will never go. It is a form of appeasement. I know that unless I force myself, I will gradually slip backwards. So I went. It was okay, and my mood felt a little better.

Depression is a clever, nasty beast. The battle is never really over. And appeasement doesn't work. So fight!

Katie said...

How then do we manage to take care of ourselves in such tough times? I'm not sure that I have that one completely figured out. I try to remind myself that unconditional faith and trust will help work things out. Some have said to me "well that's just blind faith" maybe so... but maybe it is just my way of stepping aside and letting the universe move me along my intended path in life.

Wendy said...

Sometimes what gets me out of the dark well, is to accept it even though part of my is either criticizing myself for "being too lazy, not doing enough for my having b.p. disorder, etc..."But then I'm also learning about how to call the angels of grace and compassion and pray, let me know what to do and see with clarity and self-compassion make my way out of the darkness. Sometimes, it's the med.s not working and I have to change med.s'. Sometimes no matter what used to bring me joy no longer does and I find one little thing I like to do and focus on that, I have two cats that keep me going and sometimes I just have to surrender to the illness and know too this shall pass.Hang in there and know you're not alone in the darkness.



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