Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Friday, March 11, 2011

Low

It's been a rough week around here. I was already sliding a bit when I got the news Monday about my job. That sent me into an immediate tailspin which shook my faith in recovery. For three days, I was so low I barely moved. Accomplishing anything was a monumental feat. It's been one of those root-rattling depressive episodes, and I've been feeling totally unhinged.

Feeling low, unhinged, crazy...I hate it. These episodes rudely remind me of my illness. I have a chronic condition of mind and body, and it can be debilitating. It has been debilitating. And I hate the reminder. But today is a new day, and so far, I feel a tiny bit better. Yet I don't know what to expect. Yesterday began better, too, but eventually the darkness enveloped me again. It was tough.

Despite the darkness, at least yesterday I was able to push through a bit. In the morning, my psychiatrist and I set a goal of accomplishing just two things during the day. I went one better and accomplished three.

It may seem bizarre, but one of the things I accomplished was getting out for a run. It was a priority. I barely got off the sofa on Wednesday. I needed to get out, and I needed to get Puck out, too. So we made it. Yes, it took the life out of me temporarily, but ultimately I think it helped. It was a major accomplishment.

That accomplishment set up the next. Before I crashed after my run, I made some phone calls. There were two promising job opportunities out there. I called about both. I sent resumes to both. I'm interviewing for one of the opportunities next week and will likely interview for the other job before the end of the month. I'm not sure I could have accomplished making those connections if I hadn't gone for my run. I'm grateful I was able to get out the door.

I'm praying today for energy despite feeling so low. I have accomplishments yet to achieve. I have two patients, possibly three, to see. I'm hoping for two. I'd like to get on my bike for a short, indoor ride. My legs are sore from yesterday's effort. And I'll call my sponsor to check in. That's what I'm hoping for today.

It's good for me to have a plan. I've always been motivated by goals. But I'm also aware my body, my brain, my illness may not allow for all I'd like to achieve. I'll try to be okay with that, too. But please, God, grant me a reprieve from feeling so low. I've got more plans to make and more goals to achieve. I hope.

7 comments:

Another Diamond Day said...

Good luck with your job interviews!!! You've been great at accompilishing three goals!!!

I never stopped to say "hi". I have been following your blog for a while now as I also struggle with depression...
Your blog as well others have inspired me to start mine own! It's terapheutic! THANK YOU!!!

http://anotherdiamonday.blogspot.com/

Antoni :) said...

Hello Etta.

Wow. You have had a low week. All I can do is encourage you to keep going. Believe that next week will be better

I'll say a prayer for you that you get the strength to make new plans and fulfill your goals.

Anonymous said...

I am praying for you, too. Hang on, please!

Anonymous said...

Hi Etta,
It's great that you were able to get out for a run. And you make positive moves toward getting a job. Even non-depressed people would have trouble doing that if they had lost a job.

Keep doing what you are doing.

Linda said...

Hello Etta,
I know what you mean about not wanting to go out, because I feel the same way. I am sorry to hear about your job, but I also believe that everything happens for a reason.
I have been following your blog for a while now and the same as Another Diamond Day, it has inspired me to start my own!

When you get a chance, I would love your comments!

http://anotherdepressionvictim.blogspot.com

Nita g said...

Hello Etta,
I just came across your blog and am amazed at your motivation and dedication to work through you depression on this day and get out for a run. I usually have a day on the weekend where I spend all day in bed. I sleep off and on and keep telling myself that I will get up at a certain time and go excercise. I have not been able to make that happen...I just can't move. I'm on anti depressants and see a counselor but it's been very frustrating. I also have SADDs so things may get better now that spring is on the way. I wish you the best with your job interviews...I'm trying to get motivated to update my resume for a new job...when I think of making changes in my life I get paralyzed because of my perfectionism. Blogging may help you but you are helping others by sharing and in turn allowing others to share about this illness that is still misunderstood and not accepted in many areas of life. Thank you!

Maggie Beth said...

I am proud of you for even trying. You are doing well...continued prayers for not only support, but friendships, joy and a peace.....

Maggie



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