Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Run and sleep

Up early today to run 4.5 miles with Puck. It was cold and dark, but he smiled the whole way! I love looking down and seeing him trot along. So happy... After dropping him at home I drove to the track club meeting place to finish my long run. Despite the chill and the wind, it was a very large crowd of runners today. There must have been 40-50 of us there. Covered head to toe, we were quite a spectacle of glowing jackets and high tech gear once we hit the road. It was nice to be surrounded with like minded souls on such a crisp day.

Unfortunately, the whole body fatigue of two days ago seemed to have settled in my legs this morning. I was shooting for 15-18 miles, but by mile 10 I wasn't sure I'd make it. I took full advantages of our volunteer water stops, downed some Gatorade, bananas and gummy bears, and I pushed onward. I kept up a breathy chatter with whomever sidled up to me, and before I knew it we were done. My final tally was 16.5 miles. Not bad.

After the run, I decided to join a bunch of runners for brunch. I had pancakes. It was fun. Runners can be quite a zany crowd, especially after freezing their buns running for 2.5-3 hours! I'm glad I went. That's not something in which I typically participate, but I decided to stretch my boundaries just a bit.

Unfortunately, the combination of pancakes and 16.5 chilly miles made me very, very tired. It's been another long day of snoozing. Besides one load of laundry, writing this post is the only thing I've accomplished since returning home 7 hours ago. I'm tired, not quite as sleepy as the other day, but definitely tired.

Along with the fatigue, I'm a little worried about my thinking. It's a little off. I don't know exactly how to explain it. But trust me, it's off. My mind is bouncing around and racing a little. I've had lots of using thoughts. I had a drinking dream so real the other night, I thought I had relapsed. That really sucked! I was so relieved when I realized I was still sober. But my brain is a bit off, and I'm worried about that.

Hopefully, the fatigue and the thinking will each self-correct. I have spoken to my sponsor, and I plan to see her at an AA event tonight. I hope that helps. I think I just need to get out of myself for a little while. Maybe I've been spending too much time alone. Solitude lends itself to stir-craziness when my brain's operating like this. My head is best visited only with a chaperone! I'll be surrounded by chaperones at the AA event tonight, which is all the more reason I need to go. Wish me luck.

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