Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Gray

The last few days have been tough. I think I'm experiencing a little dip in my mood. I don't think our cold, gray, wet weather has helped one bit. I think we've seen the sun once in the past 7-10 days. It's been 60 degrees, gray and wet for at least 3 consecutive days with no end in sight! I've never experienced such a wet, gray Spring, and I hope I never have to again. Even my 90 year old patients are amazed. They've never seen anything like this! And that's saying something!

The cold, wet and gray have finally worn me down, I think. Staying upbeat and positive when surrounded by gray has gotten more difficult. My mood is beginning to match the weather. Over the past several days I've been more tired and had less energy. I've struggled with irritability, something I usually don't struggle with at all, especially at work. I've found less joy in simple things and fretted more about things of which I have no control. I've sought out friends less and spent more time alone. These are all signs that something is amiss.

Of course, like many of you, after 3-4 days of this, I worry about the heavy black fog slowly engulfing me once again. And yet, I feel more confident I can handle it even if that is what this is. That's a little different. While I'm worried about the darkness descending, I also have a sense I'll get through it. It may not be easy or comfortable, and I definitely won't like it, but I know it will pass. I'll just have to walk through it one step and one day at a time, and I know I can do that. I've done it many times before.

I've walked through a lot of darkness and pain over these past 12 years, and yet here I am. History is on my side. But let's hope all this anticipation is for naught. Tomorrow is another day. Perhaps the sun will shine. Perhaps my mood will brighten. Perhaps 3 or 4 days is the entirety of this episode. That's the hopefulness I will hang onto when I say my prayers and close my eyes tonight. Stay well, my friends.

2 comments:

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

I'm sorry that you're feeling gray, Etta. The weather can definitely have an effect on us. Of course, as you know, so many different things can also affect our mood. I hope that these days will be short and few and that the sun will shine soon, both inside and outside. Meanwhile, you'll be in my prayers.

Fiona said...

Sorry to hear your mood dipped, although I see it's picked up again which is great.
I'm so very, very familiar with how weather can impact on mood. I live in the west of Ireland, and in contrast to your 2-3 consecutive days of rain, it's nopteworthy here when we get 2-3 consecutive days of sun!! The last week we've had proper summer weather, someing we haven't seen in a long, long time, and it's lifted the mood of the entire nation! Unfortunately we're back to cool wet and windy today, but hopefully the memory of the sun will carry us through.
Well done on keeping he clouds at bay.



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