Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Friday, October 4, 2013

Home with Sitter

After 4+ days in the hospital, I am now home. While an inpatient, I had 3 ECT treatments, including one today. I have ambivalent feelings regarding ECT. The process is simple and relatively painless. It's worked for me in the past. It's brought me back from the brink of self-destruction more than once. I'd likely not be alive today without it. But that healing comes at a price, of course. ECT really screws up my memory. I get pretty stupid.

The other dilemma with ECT is the "babysitter" requirement. Because ECT involves being put to sleep, the docs require 24 hour supervision afterward. That means my friend, Wendy, is here right now. Next week, it will be my parents. I have 3 more treatments scheduled for next week. I'm not a fan of babysitters, but I understand the need.

I am feeling a little bit better, not a lot better, but a little bit better. I couldn't imagine staying in the hospital over the weekend, as there is little to occupy one's time, so I was anxious to get out of there today. I had big plans for this weekend, anyway. The Twin Cities Marathon is on Sunday.

If I choose to do so, the doctors have cleared me to run. I am feeling quite ambivalent about it. After all, I've done absolutely nothing for the past 5 days. I believe the last time I ran was a short outing last Sunday. My energy followed my mood right down the toilet, and I'm sure I've gained a few pounds sitting on my butt all week. I'm not sure I'm in ideal condition to run a marathon.

I also worry how running a marathon would look to outsiders peering in, especially my coworkers. I imagine them thinking, "If she can't work, how can she run a marathon?" I can't blame them. I hope they know I'd rather be working and running! So I've yet to decide on the marathon. At this moment, 26.2 miles seems like an awful long way to run. I'm not sure I've got it in me.

That's about all I have right now. Like I said, I wish I was feeling better than I am. I hope being home with Jet, getting back into my routine, possibly running a marathon, and continuing with ECT combine to bring me out of the darkness.

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