Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Saturday, October 5, 2013

Rough

It was a long night here at the etta house. My friend, Wendy, went home late in the evening, but she ended up coming back to spend the night. I was having a hard time settling. Things are very dark right now. I don't like writing about feeling dark. I certainly don't like feeling dark. At this moment, depression has me tightly in its grimy grip, and I'm not sure what else I can do to release its grasp.

It looks like running The Twin Cities Marathon will not be possible. I don't even have the energy to go pick up my number at the expo, which is a one hour drive from here. It's probably better that I don't run, as running a marathon can impact my mood, and at this point I'm betting the impact would be negative. Still, I'm sad and frustrated to give up such a beloved race. It's yet another example of depression's master thievery.

I'm feeling pretty rough. It's been quite awhile since my illness has taken such a stranglehold. I'm still fighting, but right now I feel like I'm losing more ground than I'm gaining. That's frustrating. If you're open to prayer, a few thrown my direction would be welcome anytime.

17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Etta, please know that I'm praying for you. I've been visiting your blog for a long time but haven't touched base til now.

You're an inspiration in the way you live your life. Your commitment to running and living a healthy lifestyle, your devotion to your dog and of course your family and friends is amazing to someone that has a hard time just getting through a regular day without feeling beaten down.

I have no doubt that you'll get through this. I just hope this darkness leaves you sooner than later.

Warmly,

ivy

Diana said...

Thoughts and prayers your way...you've been through this before, it will pass. Stay strong your doing what you need to do!!!

Anonymous said...

Prayers, Etta.

Mopsa said...

Hi Etta. I've been following your blog for a while now, and you've been a great inspiration in my own struggle with depression and anxiety. I just want to say that I hope you feel better soon, and that I'll be praying for you. Remember, this is just another rough phase, and sunnier days lie ahead.

Divas said...

Prayers all around you, sweet girl!

Anonymous said...

Hugs and prayers Etta. So sorry to hear about your pain. Thinking of you. Thanks for posting.

etta said...

I am so lucky to have such wonderful people reading my blog. Thank you all for reaching out. Your kind words mean the world right now. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you! You will come through this and see the light again!

Sunny Spells and Scattered Showers said...

I'm not sure I believe in prayer but I certainly believe in the power of a positive thought, and that is coming your way with this message. Am so, so very familiar with what you're writing about, and it's truly a horrible way to feel. Hang in there. Keep writing. You're doing everything you can x

Anonymous said...

Continued thought and prayers for you. So glad you are home but hope the darkness lifts soon. It is a horrible feeling. Be good to yourself.
Nancy

Jean Grey said...

Etta, I have been reading your blog for a little while. I am so sorry you are going through this again. Prayers and good thoughts.

Anonymous said...

thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

You can do this. I am thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way.

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

I have been thinking about you, Etta, and praying for you. I have such hope for you. You have been through so much and fought so hard. You will get through this, too. Remember that.

I understand the darkness, and I don't want you to think that you are alone there. You have us thinking about you and praying for you. You have friends and family. You have your own brave spirit.

Bengal said...

I hope you're feeling better real soon. Hold on, stay close and open like you have to your family and friends and keep remembering how you felt just a couple months ago when you were feeling so good. You will get there again. I know you will. You are such a strong person, Etta. Though I don't know you, I gather that from reading your blog. Sending, Positive, Happy thoughts your way. This dark storm will pass.

Anonymous said...

I have been reading your blog as I fight my very own dark depression. This little daily company is not fun. There are days I am better and days that I terribly hopeless like today. It is hard to believe that it will pass but it WILL. For you, for me, it will go away. So hang in there. I am praying for you!

Simon said...

I too, have been reading as I am fighting it myself. I do think I know where you are coming from.
Things can be fine, but one thing happens that isn't big at all, and that is enough to knock you back. I definitely feel like this a lot of the time.
Keep fighting.



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