Depression Marathon Blog

My photo
Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Home Alone with Feelings

I left the hospital mid-day Friday. My mother picked me up. I ended up getting the blessing of my psychiatrist, especially after she became aware my mother would be with me most of the weekend. My mom and I did spend most of the past couple of days together, which was intermittently wonderful and irritating. I really appreciate quiet, and my mom was a bit chatty. But I shouldn't complain. It was very nice to have her here. I wouldn't have felt comfortable coming home to an empty house on Friday.

My mom was actually incredible. I'm so grateful she was here for me. She was so supportive. She took 18 days out of her life to live at my house, take care of my dog, spend her own money on and worry about me. For the last 48 hours, I thanked her every chance I got. And despite typically not saying so, I had no trouble telling her I loved her when I dropped her off at the airport today. She smiled, told me she loved me, too, and we parted ways.

I have to say I am a little sad being home alone. I battled familiar, negative, dark thoughts this afternoon shortly after returning home. That was discouraging. I felt so low at one point I sobbed. Jet, my dog, didn't care for that. He immediately arrived at my side and licked the tears from my face. Such a good boy, he really did comfort me.

The rest of the afternoon has been tough as well. I've struggled with sadness, hopelessness, and despair. It is discouraging to feel the familiar, sometimes frightening feelings I thought were behind me. I'm attempting to let them pass through me without weighing me down. And I'm trying to remember healing is not always a linear process. But I want to feel better. I don't want to fail. I want so badly to just be okay. I'm praying for less struggle and more harmony from this point forward.

10 comments:

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

I'm glad you're home, Etta, and that Jet is there to offer comfort. Our animals are such a comfort, aren't they? I hope that even though it's not linear, healing will come and you will get better day by day. Still thinking and praying for you.

Anonymous said...

I've just discovered your amazing blog, Etta, and have been very inspired by your courage. Thank you for sharing your journey. I also struggle with depression and it is so true that healing is not linear. Sending you good wishes.

Kelly said...

I'm sorry you're dealing with these feelings right now. I hope they will just pass. I will continue to pray for you, Etta.

Steffen said...

It's great to hear that you seem to be out of the worst - I wish you more relief from now on! I can really sympathize with what's going on with you, I've had some really good weeks, almost incredible, but at the moment I feel really shite again although I don't see why... so it continues.

JJ PishPosh said...

You are not alone.

Irene said...

your words are a comfort and reminder to me that dark thoughts transform and i too can move through them, though the journey is not linear

Anne said...

You sound so brave. I'm new to this blog, but your honesty reached out and touched my heart. I wish I could help or hold you or take the pain away. I'll be thinking of you and wishing you continued improvement. Thank you for sharing your battles with us.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to check in again and let you know you and in my thoughts, Etta.
Nancy

Kristina said...

Would you be all right with my sending you an email? I didn't see an address on your blog, but if you are okay with letting me have it, I could email you about a possibility.

etta said...

@ Kristina, I do not generally give out my e-mail address. If you'd like to present something to me, please do so in a comment with a note asking me not to publish the comment. Put your contact info in the comment as well. Thanks.



.