Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, November 17, 2013

What more can I say?

As of Thursday evening, I once again became a hospital inpatient. I was admitted after I became aware of an increase in my suicidality. I hate to write that, because I know many of you come here looking for hope and life. But my reality right now contains little hope. Unfortunately, my reality is filled with scary thoughts, which I no longer find scary (and that is alarming), regarding hopelessness and suicide. My mood is low. My concentration and memory make simple daily tasks challenging. My energy has been lost. Things are tough. I'm in the right place.

I'm not sure how much more I have to say. Posting here requires brain power and energy, both of which are currently in short supply. One more thing I can say, however, is despite this monstrous and debilitating illness, I am fortunate. I am fortunate to be in a therapeutic place with expert and compassionate staff. I am fortunate to have supportive friends and family. My mother changed her flight home so that she will remain here for at least one more week in order to assist me. My friends, Wendy and Tiffany, visited yesterday morning and we laughed out loud together for the better part of two hours. That is the first, and only time I've laughed, I think, in more weeks than I can count. So there are a few things worth my gratitude. In these moments of despair, I am working to remember I still have fortune mingling among the pain. And I pray the pain subsides sooner rather than later.

12 comments:

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

I'll continue to pray for you, Etta. I'm glad you are in a place where you can receive good care, and I'm glad you have family and friends nearby. I understand the feeling of hopelessness. Please remember that a lot of people have hope for you, even when you can't feel any.

etta said...

Thank you, Tina, I always appreciate your thoughts. You've been a loyal reader for so long. Thank you for that. I hope you are well.

Sean said...

It is so encouraging to hear you have support. Going through this stuff is hard without a system in place. It is also great that you have the courage to go to the hospital. I don't think it takes away from the message of hope. I think it enhances it. I have been doing well for years but if I found myself back in that downward spiral I would go back to the hospital in a heartbeat.

You will get through this and you will be alright. One of my favorite coping skills is knowing I've been there before and that one day I will feel better again. I always do.

Until then give yourself to your support system and try to feel grateful they are there. I know that is hard but it helps...

etta said...

Thank you, Sean. You are so right. I am grateful for my support system. I'd be in my grave without them. I also agree, and I try to use the, "I've been here before and made it through," defense. It does work, but the length of this episode has made even that defense a bit of a challenge. Thank you for reminding me of it.

Jean Grey said...

It sounds like you are where you need to be. I hope this episode ends soon. It is just an episode. Life is change.

Diana said...

These words may seem trivial with all you are going through, but my thoughts remain with you. You are in the right place, that you realized ( even with the guidance of friends and family) you needed more help should remind you that you are strong. Your message is one of resilience, you don't give up when you are at the end of a marathon ( which is amazing in itself) and you wont give up now no matter how much you don't want to be going through all this. I wish we (your readers) could do more to help, please know that we care and are pulling for you. You will get through this as you have done in the past, you are resilient.

Kelly said...

I am so glad that you have things in your life to be grateful for, and that you are able to recognize them for such. I will continue to pray for you. Sending lots of love, too.

TriTrish said...

Please know we are all pulling for you Etta. Take care of yourself.

Irene said...

It is what Is. Thank you for your honesty. Glad that you were moved to some laughter and that you made your way back to the hospital for now.

Kat Speeckaert said...

Thank you for your honesty. I'm so sorry things aren't going the way they should.

Nathalie said...

My thoughts are with you Etta through your struggle with your current episode of illness. I appreciate that you still use what precious energy you have to write your blog. I find your courage and honesty so helpful as I have been in a similar dark place many times.
Sending you hope encouragement and support for your recovery.

marybeth said...

Etta, just found your blog and sending healing thoughts.



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