Depression Marathon Blog

My photo
Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Only one direction from here

Despite my best efforts the dive in my mood continues. Actually, rather than a quick dive, it now feels like a gradual, suffocating, slide underwater; really black, heavy, murky water. The symptoms I'm experiencing have multiplied over the past couple days. And today depression took away what little energy I had left. I'm heavy, exhausted, and slow.

I've been trying to do what I can to get out, keep to my commitments, and talk to friends (though I admit I haven't done too well on that score). Socialization is always the first to go. Today, I lost running. That's a scary sign, as that's often my last bastion of normalcy. But today I tried and failed.

Okay, perhaps I'm being too hard on myself. I didn't totally fail. I did get some of my run accomplished, but very unlike me, I could not complete the miles I had scheduled. And the miles I did run were so difficult, I was incredibly frustrated. I was forced to begin walking far from home. My body just wouldn't go. Jet and I slowly made our way back. It was a long, cold, misadventure.

I'm concerned. I certainly don't want to go through another depression episode. I want to keep moving forward. I want to keep working, running, and socializing. I want to feel the feelings of life, not stand outside myself and coldly observe. I'm going through the motions without feeling. I want to be in motion instead.

I'm speaking to a high school class about depression tomorrow. Hopefully that will help get me out of my head for an hour. I'm also scheduled to see my therapist, which I certainly hope will help turn the tide. I want and need to get my head back above water. I'm low, so low. Up is the only direction I have left to go.

5 comments:

Kai said...

Wishing you the very best! Even though I'm following your blog from several thousand miles away, I'm glad, being a long-term depression sufferer myself, I can be part of your journey. I'm admiring your strength, keep going up from here!

Irene said...

http://www.self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion.html

Maybe this page will be as comforting to you as it was to me. I didn't just want to say hang in there. I admire your strength. Worry is the future, don't bother yourself with it.

Socially I am so sensitive that going negative is simply the next moment for me. And moving through molasses is also too common a life experience.

Depression is the monster exaggerator. Look at its sorry, mistaken face and smile as it shrinks. Love it away.

Irene said...

http://youtu.be/ucA63CEuXpo

Lovely song that reminds you, that one day, your pain too will be invisible...

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

Etta, I am thinking of you and hoping that you will move upward. I hope the talk with the class and the visit with your therapist work positively for you.

Anonymous said...

Just think when you wrote this that a few months later you'd be running a marathon! Maybe this will help you the next time you get down with the fatigue, etc. I hope so!



.