Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Slammed

As we say in Minnesota, "Uff Da!" Life got difficult yesterday. It happened in mere moments. Depression slammed me to the ground. It slammed me so violently, there must be a deep etta-shaped divot in the earth. I don't know what happened. It was awful.

On Monday, I felt a little low, but it was no big deal. It happens. But Tuesday...I could barely get out of bed yesterday. I didn't do anything all day. I tried several times to get moving, but I failed each time. From my bed to the sofa and from the sofa to the bed, that's as far as I got. I slept and slept and slept. But no matter how much I slept, it wasn't enough. My mood was low, and the less I moved the lower it got.

It was a vicious cycle. I became more distressed as the day went along. I was distressed about how distressed I was. But being distressed didn't change the reality. My body was heavy. It was difficult to move. I was so, so low. And I could do nothing to stop the free fall. Depression got the best of me yesterday.

I'm still not great today, but I was able to get up and go for a very short run. I missed my scheduled 9 miles yesterday, so I was hoping for 6-9 before work this morning. I was pretty proud of myself for getting out of bed, getting dressed, and making it outside. But it became very clear very quickly that I was not going to get very far. I struggled through two miles and immediately went back to bed.

I got out again to go to work, and that went okay, but it wasn't easy. I've been home for several hours now, and I just got out of bed again. I think things are improving. I never could have worked yesterday.

I was hoping to run a little tonight, but now I'm focusing more on a walk. I have a half marathon this weekend. Feeling so heavy and low, and missing all these scheduled miles isn't making me feel very optimistic about the race.

I'm trying not to panic about my missed miles or my mood. I'm trying to be patient. I know this will pass, and I'm hoping for sooner rather than later. I can't continue like this. I have things to do, miles to run, work to perform. Being cooped up in my house feeling like crap isn't working for me.

3 comments:

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

I hope things turn around quickly for you, Etta. You are aware of the drop, and that is valuable, I think, in dealing with it. I'll be thinking about you.

Anne said...

Yes, sooner rather than later, I hope so too!

Robyn (RedDogGirl) said...

You are not alone. This past month has been a struggle of epic proportions for me too. We both know that it will get better. We need to remain calm, engage in self care, and ride out the storm (easier said then done and that statement was as much for me as it was for you - lol). We. Can. Do. This. Thank you for your post - it was the reminder I needed that I am not alone in this. Sending you waves of patience and relief and hope xoxoxo



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