Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

barely here

I'm still here. It's been a week since I checked in. That's longer than I prefer to be away, but life has been incredibly tough lately. Depression has me. It's holding on so tight I can't slip free. I'm confined. I'm constricted. I'm struggling. I'm exhausted. I could care less about anything and everything. I'm sad, and overwhelmed, and barely functioning. Functioning? I'm barely moving.

One thing. That's all I've been able to do. I have continued to get to work. That's it. My house. My body. My exercise routine. My chores. My errands. All of it, other than work, has been totally neglected. It's getting ugly around here. The uglier it gets, the more overwhelmed I get, and the more suffocating my depression gets. I can't breathe. Fuck depression! Fuck it.

13 comments:

Vega Rós Guðmundsdóttir said...

Good luck to you. This is a horrible way to feel and be. Just remember that this as everything else will pass.

Hugs across the Atlantic :)

JB said...

I hope you can break this slump soon. Coming from a fellow TRD sufferer, I can definitely empathize. Hope you're doing well with your self-care and finding the support to ride this out.


I'm also a fellow marathoner who always found solace in intense bouts of cardio to get me out of my funk. But the years of injuries have finally caught up with me and I've needed to find other ways to cross-train. I never thought that I'd embrace yoga as much as running but I've actually really found (hot) yoga to have just as much an antidepressant benefits as running did for me. And to boot, it's restorative rather than leaving me prone to getting injured and constantly sore and fatigued from running. But the best thing that I've found with yoga is that, like many instructor-led exercise activities, it's much easier to be get the motivation to do it than running (which as you know is hard as hell to do when you're energy and mood are both in the toilet). You just have to show up. For the last few winters, I make sure I start each morning with hot yoga and it really provides the buoyancy I need to get through these Chicago winters.

My thoughts are with you.

JB

paullamb said...

You will get through this.

Insig said...

ditto

Nathalie said...

Hi Etta
I am so sorry you are having such a tough time. I empathise with you as I am also a long term sufferer of anxiety and depression. I have found your blog inspiring and comforting and greatly admire your courage and determination. Also your writing skills and your athletic abilities. Please hang in there, knowing that many of us are sending our support and understanding. We are there with you and for you. Hoping this cruel episode of illness will soon pass....and you will be back to being well once again.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there special lady. You can beat this! You have before and will again. It sucks, I know. Please take care of and not be hard on yourself. This is a debilitating illness. You are doing the best you can. You will feel better, I promise. I hope you are reaching out to your support system and letting people in. When I am depressed I will isolate, but this only seems to make it worse. Cuddle with your beloved dog; take a warm shower or bath; be gentle with yourself. The fact you are going to work is a major feat. Give yourself some credit for this! You are a warrior, a fighter, a survivor! You will make it through this and feel whole again. Sending you healing wishes. (((Hugs)))

Danielle said...

Thank you for sharing your journey. Your not alone! When i'm in a similar place I have to really focus on being kind to myself :)

Anonymous said...


I have only recently discovered your blog and I am finding it to be such a support, knowing that I'm not the only one going through these bouts of depression makes it a lot less lonely and inspires me to hold on to hope and strength for a better day once it passes. Sending you my very best wishes that this pain will ease off soon so you can live more joyfully again.
It's fantastic that you are making it to work!! I know what an accomplishment that can be on days when all you want to do is shut down to the outside world!!
Lots of love xxx

Jim said...

Hey, you are going to work. It is weird the things for which we manage to crawl out of the pit. Keep climbing up those obliquely slanted walls. One arm length at a time....you help me and so many other do it... blessings to ya....j

Susan Weller said...

i am so so sorry. if you accept donations I would bet many of us would contribute what we could towards a cleaning service or anything to help out.

Nemya said...

You're a fighter Etta. And although you're in the midst of depression your fight is evident in the fact that you're still working. I hope that you will find encouragement in that. Many hugs. I wish you all the best.

Sairs said...

I know how hard this is, one step at a time and baby steps if that's all you can do.

Anonymous said...

Work is a darn good accomplishment so don't sell yourself short.

- Virginia



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