Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Saturday, January 10, 2015

write something

I figure I should write something, even though, truthfully, I don't want to. Just as I don't want to get dressed, go to work, wash my dishes, shower, go grocery shopping, socialize, fix something to eat, exercise, and on and on and on. I've been sleeping on the couch lately because I haven't had the energy to get from the living room to my bedroom. And I don't live in a mansion.

I'm trying my best to keep my appointments. God forbid I should be seen as a "bad patient." However, work has been another story. I attempted it on Monday but only lasted two hours. I called in sick Wednesday because I could not move. After negotiating for some shorter days, I did make it to work yesterday and today. And now I'm exhausted.

Every day I check for signs of progress. Every day wonderful friends ask if I'm feeling better. Every morning I awaken hoping I can say yes. Depression so far has not obliged. I'm feeling isolated, and stagnant, and delayed, and slow, and dull, and muted, and gray. Everything is gray. God I hate gray.

14 comments:

paullamb said...

I wish I could take some of this weight off of your shoulders. It's bad enuf for me, but I seem to have a mild case compared to what you're going through. I could handle more weight, if only there was some way to do it.

Outlast the depression.

Sharon Greene said...

I'm sorry depression has got its tight grip on you. I am a depression sufferer too. Do you also have SAD, making the depression worse this time of year?

Anonymous said...

You may feel like you aren't doing much now, but I think you are the Spartacus of depression. Keep up the good fight!... Or take it easy on yourself. You do what you got to do, you know?

Anonymous said...

It will get better.. Trust that it will not always feel this way. The fact that you are keeping up with your blog (which aids countless others who are suffering) is Ah- mazing! You are in my thoughts and prayers. Spring will return. It always does.

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

I am sorry that this is a gray time. I wish I could sweep it away with a yellow paint brush. You are getting some things done, and that is huge in my book. I'll be thinking of you.

Peggy Cia said...

How is today going for you? I'm currently in the same dark place. You should see my house, ugh. Perhaps it's lifting a little for me if I'm able to have a reaction to the mess I've been living in for the past week.

Peggy Cia said...

thanks Etta for reading my comment. I've never reached out to someone on the internet before, feels strange. When I read some of your blog I realized that another person actually experiences what I go through during these episodes and puts it into words. Thank you for that -

Irene said...

All the comments are so wonderful that I have nothing to add. I hope you feel their inspiration and love for you.

Georgia said...

But there ARE signs of progress: you got dressed, you went to work! That's great! I had a very good session with my therapist this week, and she pointed out that it's really important to take our limitations as givens. While maybe most people have an easy time getting ready for work, and going to work, and doing their work, for others (you, me) those "simple" things take a lot of effort. And that's OK, as long as we let it be OK. (Not to say it's not frustrating.)

Jim Work said...

E.....I know I dislike when someone tells me, "hey try this", with that being said, I woke this am ready to crawl to my pit. I was send this video produced by Pharrell. Damn, it puts a smile on my lips and just makes me want to dance for joy and to be smoking whatever all these folks are inhaling..........ah, hold that hit and let it do it's's thing......blessings to ya.......j
http://24hoursofhappy.com/

etta said...

You guys are all so, so AMAZING!! Thank you so much for all of your generous, kind, and supportive comments. Your comments, especially the beautiful ones you've made to this post, really have made a difference. I am feeling a little better. I'm still not where I want to be. Depression still has its hold on me, but I have a lighter mood today. Thank you all!

Irene said...

Personally, what Georgia said about limitations as givens meant a lot to me.

Etta, I know that your depression is on the severe end, but you do so many things to support your health and deal positively with your life situation that I wish it would offer more relief than it has. It makes me think that depression is still such a difficult neurological mystery. And to be fair, their are many mysteries to be solved ( migraines a friend is debilitated by, odd ailments other friends deal with, etc.) There is more help than ever before, so thanks to all who keep learning. And thanks to you Etta for what you do for others in this blog and the videos, for inspiring understanding and compassion, and for sharing experience rather than advice. You're a great example.

Katarina O said...

I'm here for you even though I'm 10 000 miles (=Sweden) away from you.

Bengal said...

Haven't been in to see your blog in a while. Sorry you have not been feeling well. That your everything at the moment is grey and muted. Hope your world becomes colorful again which it will. Give it time though right NOW feels like forever.
You're not alone.
BTW, Are you taking vitamin D supplements especially now during winter months?



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