Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Tired

I'm doing okay. My mood is okay. Despite Social Security piling onto my already full plate of concerns, I'm hanging in there. But I'm tired. And I'm getting a bit down on myself for being tired.

You see, I've been working 4 days a week for, well, about one week, and I'm already tired. I spent much of yesterday, my day off, sound asleep. I slept late. I went back to bed after taking care of Jet, and then I went back to bed again after being up for only a few hours. I had no trouble falling asleep last night either. I'm just tired.

To make matters worse, I'm feeling frustrated about feeling tired. I find myself comparing myself to "normal" people. Most people, I told my social worker this morning, work 5 days a week. I'm tired working only four, I exclaimed with disgust! That frustrates me. I expect more from myself.

Perhaps, though, the frustration is about more than my expectations. I think feeling so tired, apparently due to my increased workload, reminds me that I'm not "normal." It reminds me that I still have this chronic illness. And even though my mood is okay, and whether I like it or not, my depression still impacts my functioning and my life.

When I have long periods of mood stability, as I have for the past several months, I tend to forget depression affects more than just my mood. Fatigue has been a constant companion throughout my illness. It's certainly worse when my mood is low, but it doesn't ever really go away. I want to forget it, to wish fatigue away, but I'm being reminded once again, it's still here.

So I'm not "normal." I'm tired from working 4 days a week. Whatever the reason, that's hard for me to accept. But I'm certainly not going to let it stop me. I'll keep pushing forward, try not to be frustrated by what is, and rest as needed. Sounds good, but even as I wrote that last sentence, I shook my head in frustration. I guess I need to work on my acceptance.

2 comments:

paullamb said...

I think routine has a numbing effect. I am constantly tired, but I don't know if it's from my work week or despite it. (Or my lifelong depression.) Lately I've just wanted an opportunity to collapse. Just have a week where I could do nothing at all. Just collapse and maybe rest but mostly collapse from routine and responsibility and reflection. Ain't gonna happen.

Anonymous said...

"Normal" people are also tired.



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