Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Gray

It's been a long weekend. My mood has gone from low to no. That is, I'm at that point where I feel very little to nothing at all. Just indeterminate, monotonous gray. Gray hurts. I'm not sure how a color can be painful, but gray hurts. Gray is empty. Gray is cold. Gray is a hole in the middle of my chest. And even if I could, I haven't the energy to fill it. Doesn't matter, gray is cavernous, impossible to fill. Gray is heavy. Gray is slow. Gray is isolating, very, very isolating. It doesn't want to go out. And if it must, gray keeps its head down and eyes cast low. Being seen hurts when gray. And I'm gray. Just gray.

8 comments:

Nathalie said...

I understand 'grey' (UK) so well. For me, the colour of depression in which everything, however beautiful is clothed within a kind of fog.......gone is the usual clarity. It permeates everything including my normal energy.
Oh Etta how eloquent you are even in this painful state of mind. Hoping so much that the greyness lifts and your energy returns. With it warmth and hope. Your friends are here for you.
Nathalie

Sarah Bishop said...

God bless you, Etta. Praying the clouds part for you soon. One day at a time.

Julie Gathman said...

Thinking of you tonight. Thanks for letting us learn from your experience.

Gray is painful and heavy...

Sending you RELIEF as I fall asleep tonight.

Junebugpins said...

Be good to yourself...give yourself kindness...do something special...something you like. When I feel like that...I find if I do something for someone else...makes me feel lifted so to speak....anything small...You don't even have to interact with someone...Whether it is the simple act of bring in someones newspaper to their door...or their trash can back in...or if you bake something...sharing it with a neighbor with a note and hang it on their door. Go outside..push yourself to sit in the sun...or take a walk....go out and watch a movie...you don't have to talk to anyone...just sit and enjoy time out... I also find at times like this getting lost in a good book helps so much....go to a bookstore...grab a coffee...pick up one...
Your not alone...and dark skies do come in...but the sun will peek out...don't search for the sun...you need to feel where you are ....I understand dark days...Your strong...You can weather this...and I promise you...the sun will shine...it will... *Hugs*

Anna said...

Oh, Etta, I can totally relate to that debilitating fatigue and those Law and Order reruns...like you, it seems to be "full work" and inability to control my schedule enough to maintain the routine that is vital to my health that brings on the downward spiral. I was lucky last week and my work took me out of town, and somehow I found my footing again. (Was it time with closest friend??). I hope you too can make your way off the couch and away from the gray. Know you are not alone. Anna

The Real McCoy said...

I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling so low. Take it easy, and while I know all too well how isolating depression is, I'm sure one of the lovely friends you've mentioned on this blog would be happy to come by and spend time with you--especially if they knew it might cheer you up. Plenty of rest, funny films or TV shows, and lots of snuggles with your dog--that's why I (decidedly not a medical professional) would prescribe.

Anonymous said...

What have you learned in therapy to handle this? Review the lessons from therapy and do what you can. Getting out of bed is a success. Eating something is success. Taking mefication is a success. Listen to music. Take a short walk around the block if you can get out the door.

HBF said...

Unfortunately my mood has taken a dive as well. Wonderful description of the gray... I just noticed the other day how frequently I've been walking with my head bent down and my eyes on the ground instead of walking tall with my eyes up. You have captured the feelings very well-but I hope they part with you soon!



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