Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

so low

I just returned home from my second outpatient ECT treatment. I was struggling with sadness and feeling low prior to the treatment, but now my sadness is overwhelming. I feel as if someone has died, and I believe that someone is me. I've died. I feel dead. I'm overwhelmed with hopelessness, sadness and confusion. I can't make sense of the world anymore. Why would God want someone to suffer so? What is the meaning behind these incredible feelings? Why? Why? Why?

Why is not a question I normally pose. But I guess my desperation is showing through. When I try to move I feel as if I'm wading through quick sand. When I attempt to think I feel as if the gears are gummed up and sticky. Visually, lines that should be thin are thick, surfaces that should be smooth are rough. Everything is slow. Everything is slow.

I am so low sitting here hurts. I'm having trouble piecing my thoughts together. I don't understand what's happening. There is a vacancy within which won't let me go. And I just want it to quit.

6 comments:

Katheryne Patterson said...

Etta,

You will get through this. You may need to have another hospitalization to help you, but you will persevere. I know it doesn't seem that way to you right now. I am thinking of you. Please hang on. Call a friend; go back to your hospital if you need to. Love, prayers, and friendship from New Orleans. I know you don't want to hang on, but your ability to do that helps so many of us, me included. You give me strength, hope, and freedom. I know I can go to your blog and read about how you are doing. I know then that I am not alone. You are not alone either.

Anonymous said...

You are not alone, Etta.

paullamb said...

I recognize a lot of this, and, again, I wish I could carry some of your burden for you. As others have said, you'll get past this. I'm sure you know that in some part of your brain that it's hard to give credence to right now.

Wendy Love said...

Hang on, hang on, hang on. You've done it before, you can do it again.
I continue to pray. Don't give up!

Truth Needed 9 said...

It sounds like ECT is having a negative impact on your mood, perception, and ability to think. You must discuss this with your doctor.

Amy said...

Hang on, Etta. It WILL get better. It always, always does. Keep reaching out to people and I think that perhaps another hospitalization would be best while you get through this rough spot.



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