Depression Marathon Blog

My photo
Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Monday, April 10, 2017

No spunk today

One of the comments on my last post complimented me on my spunk. Not today. Today I'm just tired. I've got no energy for spunk. No energy for fight. No capacity to stand up for myself. I'm done with that. I'm tired. I'm tired of the stress. I'm tired of the judgment--mine and others. I'm tired of the mind numbing internal strife. I'm tired of all of it. I'm feeling so, so done. Yet here I sit...attempting to get ready to go to work, to help my patients...patients who have no idea how numb, lost and dead I am. I'll put on the face. I'll get it done. I have no idea how I'll do it, but I've done it before. So I'll do it again. But I'm tired.

4 comments:

The Real McCoy said...

I'm sorry you're having such a shitty day, on top of a bunch of shitty days. That's really the worst. I hope you're able to get through your workday as painlessly as possible. I'm really rooting for you.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry Etta. Depression is nothing if it not a draining mood disorder. And the worst is your own inner condemnation. Wish I could zap you with energy. Hour by hour, minutes even.

Love to you.

Jason Perkins said...

I'm sad and empathetic for this. I have been putting on the mask of normalcy myself. To my family, to most of my friends, to my schedule, and to my schoolmates. Yesterday I just drove around and cried, trying to figure out how to continue. You are not alone. I understand that statement really offers no assistance, but this bastard depression has not targeted you alone.

I've had to catch up on your last few entries and they helped me. Thank you for continuing to write. I am angry for you too. After one extremely pathetic hospital stay, the last day I was simply told that I was high-functioning and that I should probably get some books and figure myself out. Thank you so freaking much.

You are obviously high-functioning and have achieved so much, but depression does not discriminate. It is evil beyond words. The only, small thing I have to offer for you is that you are in my thoughts and that I desire something will help you. It is what I wish for myself and it is what I wish for you. Hope is hard, but maybe it is out there.

Katheryne Patterson said...

Jason, well said. Thank you both for writing.



.