Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Monday, May 15, 2017

It's complicated

It must be nice. If I didn't have depression, feeling physically ill wouldn't be scary. If I didn't have depression, my sore throat, body aches and malaise would be simple. I'd sleep in, lie around in my pajamas, eat some chicken soup, take a couple of Tylenol, and practice my best napping skills. And that is what I did today, but because I have depression, it wasn't that simple. Simple would have been nice.

Unfortunately, depression seems to complicate everything, even physical illness. I'm sick. But rather than simply taking care of my illness, I spent the day worrying about my mental health. I couldn't stop questioning whether my fatigue and malaise were the result of my physical illness, or if they were the first signs of another depression relapse setting in. I found myself analyzing every little symptom. Over and over again, is this a cold, or is it depression? It was a long, uncomfortable day.

The bottom line is I don't like feeling tired, achy and slow. It's too familiar. And it's too close. The fact that I'm feeling tired, achy and slow during my final week of TMS treatments is also an unfortunate coincidence. That fact only heightens my anxiety and my analysis.

Of course all of my analyzing and questioning was for naught today. I still feel sick, and I'm still uncomfortable with feeling sick. I'm still worried feeling ill, if it isn't a sign of something bigger already on the horizon, may actually trigger something more menacing. It's scary. I don't want to go back there.

Regardless of what I want, I'm not going to change the outcome by worrying and/or analyzing every symptom. This illness is what it is, and it will be what it will be. I do know that. It's just that simple.

3 comments:

paullamb said...

I suppose this happens to me. I know the depression is the hardest for me when I am physically tired (of life). But, oddly, the opposite is also the case for me sometimes. If I have a legit physical sickness, I can "blame" that for my mental state rather than my depression (which I know is a chemical sickness). For example, I have a very tight and crampy right calf right now, and I'm running a half marathon on Saturday. If I perform poorly, I can blame the calf rather than seeing the run as an indication of my self worth.

I realize this is nutty, but isn't that part of what it means to be human?

Wendy Love said...

I hear you! I get depressed when I am sick too. It really stinks doesn't it? You WILL get better!

Nathalie said...

Me too.......I often wonder why physical sickness seems such a big deal to me? It's because I get anxious and depressed



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