Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Paralysis

Still rough today. Still wiped out from my ill-fated research yesterday. Hardly able to move. Eating too much. Sleeping too much. Not exercising at all--day #3, and counting. All of which makes me feel worse rather than better!! Yet, I can't seem to do anything different.
I've had this illness so long I no longer know what's "normal." Specifically, is my heavy-heart-hangover, sloth-like immobility, and debilitating despair--which I am sure will turn into at least 30 days of desperation and hopelessness--is this normal? Or is this depression?
Part of me wants it to be depression. It feels so big, so debilitating, so overwhelming it must be abnormal. But another piece of me wants it to be normal, something everyone would experience given the same circumstances. It would be nice to share some experiences with "normal" people once in awhile. It gets frustrating talking with Normies about how I'm doing when I'm talking about depression and they're talking about feelings. (right now, the readers with depression are nodding, "yes!" and the Normies are looking confused and thinking, "huh?")
The bottom line is I am tired
and sad.

My body is tired
and sad.

My brain is tired
and sad.

I am tired
and sad.

I am sad.

I am sad
I am sad
could be depression
could be life

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Etta, just started reading your blog. I really appreciate your talent and at so candidly presenting real-world depression. You have a gift of shedding a ray of light through effective use of humor (sarcasism counts here too!!!>what a great survival skill it can be at times). Thanks for your courage. More later.

Anonymous said...

it's 15 below outside, but the sun is shining brightly. I like this better that 40 above and gloomy.



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