Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

3-way conversation with two

Me: (sad, slow) Doc, I feel worse.
Shrink: Things aren't getting better?
Depression: (taunting) Better? No way! That ain't happening!

Me: My energy is still low.
Depression: (taunting) You're never gonna get better. You're never gonna get better!
Shrink: Did you stop taking Medication X? You were on a low dose, but it still could be causing some of the fatigue.
Depression: (incredulous) Even a low dose is going to effect YOU! If there's a side effect, you're gonna get it!

Me: Yes, but I haven't noticed a difference yet. I didn't sleep well last night, and now I've lost my appetite, too.
Depression: (sarcastic) Good, maybe now you can lose some of that extra girth you've been sporting!
Me: I know there's nothing you can do, but I just thought I'd let you know.
Depression: (irritated) Of course there is nothing she can do! She can't. You can't. It's hopeless. Nothing's going to change.

Shrink: Are you sitting under your light?
Me: Yes.
Shrink: Are you hearing any voices?
Me: (surprised) Well no, I guess that's good, huh?
Depression: (incredulous) Good?! That's not good! You've gotten so tired, so bad, that even your brain has shut down!!

Me: (hopeful) You know my thinking isn't so scattered like last week either.
Depression: (really incredulous) Again, you think this is good? This is like not being able to cry...it's worse, not better! You can't even bother with thinking! What's the point?
Shrink: Let's just take it one day at a time. Call me if you need anything, and I will see you Friday.
Me: Okay.
Depression: LOSER! Why'd you even bother calling her? She can't help you! Nobody can help you. This is it! This is how you are going to be the rest of your life! Hopeless... (fades away)

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