Depression Marathon Blog

My photo
Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Saturday, February 2, 2008

dating

Being a recovering alcoholic and person with depression, I don't find the bar-scene too inviting. So, I am meeting some new people online and expect to be dating one of them, officially, soon. Here's the problem, the question, the conundrum...When do I drop the "D-bomb" on the guy? He thinks I'm swell; smart, funny, charming, sexy, blah, blah, blah... But just how sweet, charming and sexy will I be when I add depression to my list of attributes? How about chronic, debilitating, treatment-resistant, don't-have-enough-energy-to-brush-my-teeth depression? Charming? Sexy? Sweet? I don't think so!
This is such an anxiety-producing dilemma for me. I feel like these guys are getting to know me minus "the catch." I don't feel like I am being honest nor totally dishonest. In fact, this whole process is painfully bittersweet. I see these guys getting to know the person I used to be. I can still be that person, but only occasionally and for short periods of time. It's also a whole lot easier via e-mail than in person to play the role. In reality, I no longer am that person, and it is just an old, familiar role.
It takes a lot of energy to play the role. Weird, huh? It takes energy for me to play the role of ME--the me I used to be. Me minus depression. If I act the part for for too long it absolutely wipes me out. That is the point I'm getting to with this guy. I like him. He likes me. Will he also like me--the me with depression? It's ridiculous, really! Obviously, if he can't handle it he's not a person I want to be associated with. But if not him, who? Major depression is not a selling point!
It's one more thing that is wrong with me.
And when I start thinking like that, the demon depression is winning, and I still don't know when to drop the "D-bomb."

No comments:



.