Depression Marathon Blog

My photo
Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, February 17, 2008

on becoming a non-runner...

on becoming a non-runner...what an awful, disheartening title.

for the first time in my competitive running life...
over the last couple weeks...
for the first time...
I have allowed contemplation of that title up there...
on becoming a non-runner...

it is more than the fatigue...
it is more than the frustrating weight gain...
it is more than the right hip that just won't get quite right...
it is more than the lack of motivation...
it is more than the depression...

it could be all of those things...
but it isn't...
it is something...else...
something's wrong.
I've never been able to even contemplate this before...
it wasn't allowed...
there was always hope.

there's been fatigue, and weight, and sore hips, and low motivation
before.
constantly, there's been depression...
I actually became most competitive in the midst of
depression.
running has saved me from depression...
running has saved my life...from me...
running has saved my character, my soul, my personality...
running has occasionally been me...
identity.

running has forced relationships...
running has moved an immovable me...
running has cemented the only meaningful connection I can always count on,
no matter the desperation, ugliness, and pain circulating in my soul...
if not for his four feet, perfectly trained heart, and reliance on me to survive,
there would likely be no me.
no reason to walk, or run, or unfortunately at times
to live...
the line got that thin...
it's only because of him...

and now the guilt of not taking him far out-weighs
my frustration with not taking me
for a run...
but even that enormous guilt is no longer enough...
to push me beyond...

now, running hurts.
my heart doesn't like it...
my body just won't go...
my brain can't push past it...

there used to be satisfaction
once I pushed myself out the door on a difficult day...
now only indifference awaits.
there used to be exhileration after a tough workout
or painful race...
now only spiritual exhaustion awaits.
the ease, joy, fluidity and freedom slowly, but completely,
faded away.

adapting to my new limits seemed reasonable...
until no adjustment seemed to take...
fewer miles...
fewer days...
less time...
less speed...
it all ended the same...
spiritual exhaustion...spiritual ache...

I love running.
I love being a runner.
I do not want it to become punishment...
a daily reminder of another thing lost
to this fucking illness,
or age,
or life...
but lost just the same.

if I let it go now, maybe it will come back?
or is that just setting me up...
for future frustration,
and loss,
and ache...

and how do I let go anyway?
what does that look like?
I do not want to close this door...
I want to be a runner...

perhaps this is just one step in a journey of letting go...
of becoming a non-runner...

I don't know...
I don't know...

No comments:



.