Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Who flipped the switch?

A few weeks ago it was a slow motion rollercoaster. Depression, that is. I had plenty of instability, sharp turns, peaks, valleys, and loop-de-loops, but there was no speed, no urgency, no excitement, no stimulation, and definitely no, "weeeeeee!"

Today, my ride has drastically changed! I either jumped tracks from the kiddie carts to the big-kid coaster, or someone flipped that giant red switch--you know, the one that says DANGER underneath it--'cuz I am screaming along the tracks! Screaming; and trust me, it's not, "Weeeeee" you'll hear hurtling from within! No, I believe I've skipped the, "Weeeee," and gone straight to, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh," and "Whhhhhooooooooooaaaaaaaaaa!"

Don't get me wrong. I love rides, especially rollercoasters. I love that feeling of being out of control screaming along the tracks, getting tossed about, bounced around, jerked out of my seat and snapped back down. Love it. But when it comes to my brain daily bouncing, jerking, and snapping about within my skull...not so fabulous! And that's the ride my depression has now chosen. I've gone from too slow to too fast without a sniff of a hot dog and Coke at the scenic overlook of just-right.

That just doesn't seem right. When do I get to choose the ride? When do I get to drive? I wouldn't mind a Coke and a pretty view once in awhile.

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