Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Fear, reflection, humility


I've written about that big ugly word previously. Is it just those of us with mental illness and addiction that experience it so acutely? Or is it experienced by normies, too? And by experienced, I mean do they feel it to such a degree as to control their behavior? I lost my opportunity at "normie-hood" long ago, so I guess I will never know.

I am sitting here reflecting on FEAR again because I just made another business call. My business requires that I put myself out there and interact with people, ask them for their time, and then ask them to join me. I sacrifice massive amounts of energy performing each of these important tasks.
Every time I put myself out there, I just barely hold back my FEAR--picture me with my back to an almost closed door, rapidly speaking so as to finish before I weaken and FEAR busts into the room. That's me every time I make a phone call, meet someone for coffee, or speak to someone about my business. Yet, I love my business, my product, my potential! So you'd think it would get easier! But it's not. What's up with that?

I figured if I kept pushing against it, the FEAR would lessen, but it hasn't. Why? Why bother pushing myself if the discomfort does not lessen? Where's the reward in that? It would be like training for a marathon, and feeling just as crappy on day 90 as I did on day one! Who'd be dumb enough to continue if that were the case? If there's no change, no reward for the effort, why continue to push? Hope? Maybe next time it will be better? Sounds like an alcoholic rationalizing some "controlled drinking" to me! Interesting.

So what is it with FEAR? Why is it so powerful? FEAR humbles me, that's for sure. Nothing like a single dose of big, ugly FEAR to knock me down a notch! Is that the lesson? Is that the intended result I have not been able to see? Humility? Perhaps...

By walking through my FEAR, I expected mastery, confidence and control. I have consistently received insecurity, discomfort and humility. I think I may have just answered a lot of my questions...

1 comment:

Michelle (The Beartwinsmom) said...

Maybe it's fear that's paralyzing me from getting any work done. At least that's what my therapist thinks....

Yup. Fear is definitely a 4 letter word. Ugh.