Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I hate days like this.

What a weird day.
What a strange day.
I hate days like this.
Yet, what am I complaining about?
Nothing happened, really.
That's what I am complaining about.
So tired I could barely stand up.
That's how it started.
Back to bed after brief morning errand.
So tired I could barely stand up.
One hour later.
Then she didn't show up.
Got up to see the sponsee.
But she didn't show up.
Irritated. Still tired.
Tired and irritated.
Cleaned the table off.
That was good, but it felt like wasting time.
Gotta run--5 miles.
Always in the back of my mind.
Tried to work on the computer.
More wasted time.
Should be out running.
Tired. Back to bed instead.
Up to mentor teenager.
School. Piano lessons. Teaching him to drive.
Parallel parking ad nauseam.
But at least he's finally getting it.
Rush from there home.
Feed Puck.
Off to my meeting.
All dressed in running gear.
Supposed to encourage me to run before coming home.
Didn't work.
Wasted more time after meeting.
Tired. Drove home.
Hungry, but check e-mail and get stuck in junk mail offer.
An hour and a half later cussing at myself.
I knew it was too good to be true!
Should have called Pete about business.
Should have called Don about business.
Need to call Linda about business.
Need to clean the floors.
Laundry could have been done.
Still dressed in running clothes.
Loathing myself for not going.
Feeling fat. Gross.
Stomach hurts. I never did eat.
Feeling overwhelmed, useless, bored and lazy.
All at the same time.
Mind is unsettled, skipping beats.
Want to yell.
No, cry.
No, punch and hit.
No, sleep.
Head hurts. Who knows what I want to do?
Action thoughts.
Useless busyness.
All day just like that.
Nothing accomplished. More to do.
No wonder my head hurts.
And now it's time to go back to bed.
What a strange day.
What a weird day.
I hate days like this.


BPD in OKC said...

Ugh I hate days like that also. I never feel like I get anything real accomplished

Anonymous said...

I hope today will be much better.

Is it possible you've got too much on your plate? Something I struggle with, and would like to write about, is the complete lack of balance in my life. When I'm okay, I can do almost anything. If I string several days like that together, I begin to feel the need to be productive. Then the crash. Plans smashed. Esteem even more so.

What are we supposed to do with our lives?

Marissa said...

I've been having days like that as well. I certainly understand.

etta said...

Thank you all for your comments. Seems silly, but it has really helped to hear you guys say that you have days like this, too. Not that I WANT you to have days like this, but I don't feel so odd, unique, strange, isolated... YOU GET IT! Thank you.
PJ, regarding the too much on my plate comment--I think I've written about that in the past. I no longer feel like I do hardly anything, so to think I have TOO much on my plate seems ridiculous, and contributes, I think, to the self-loathing and crappy feelings of the day. It's that acceptance thing! Ugh! On days when I can accept that this level of activity is my "new normal" I do fine. On days like the one described above, I feel like I should be doing so much more...and it just goes downhill from there. Does that make sense? Thanks for the reminder, though. Acceptance is the answer... Fighting how I'm feeling usually just makes me feel worse.

Anonymous said...

Hi etta,

"Does that make sense?"

No, it doesn't. None of this does. Nevertheless I understand what you're saying all too close to perfectly.

You're a wise woman. "Resistance is futile". (Sorry, I'm a recovering Trekkie.) Acceptance is the only option. I hate no-choice!


I hope you're well, just for today. As we both know that's all we've got, and only then if we're lucky. One of the problems with my depression (or depressive episodes?) is that it feels like it's never going to end. Experience tells me different. My mind tells me different. But in my heart, it feels like I'll feel terrible forever.

Am rambling. Hope to touch on this from my perspective before too long with a post.

etta said...

Thanks for "getting it" PJ! Fortunately (or is that unfortunately) I totally understand what you're saying, too!
Today is a better day!
On my way to a college human services class to speak about this lovely journey. Educate, educate, educate...
Have a good day!