Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

intrusive thoughts

sometimes, usually when things aren't going great, I have horrid, scary, intrusive thoughts.
today. I had horrid, scary, intrusive thoughts. and I've been doing okay--I thought.
driving 200 miles north of my home.
horrid, scary, intrusive thoughts. suicidal. happening in front of my eyes, but not...
driving my car into an oncoming semi.
seeing my body...
seeing Puck bounced around. the aftermath. the whole scene.
and then I am back.
73 miles per hour, radio on, Puck sleeping behind me, moving north.
not bloody. not dead. Puck safe.
and then again--
car rolling. crushed. noisy. sharp. bloody.
seeing it. feeling it. hearing it.
so, so, so real. and then I'm back.
and then again.
dial my psychiatrist. busy. turn the radio up.
and then again. back.
and then again. back.
and then again. back.
what the hell is going on? stop it! stop it!
scared the next one won't stop with the thought.
dial my psychiatrist. busy again.
they call these intrusive thoughts. at least I am aware of that.
but why?


Anonymous said...

I guess they happen because your brain is wired up wrong. I'm also guessing this was a rhetorical question.

When I'm freaking I go with the Serenity Prayer, of the abbreviated version -- God grant me serenity, courage, and wisdom.

Take care...

Michelle (the beartwinsmom) said...

Sending you HUGS from across Lake Michigan. Those thoughts are not fun at all. I hope you got through to your psychiatrist.

etta said...

thank you both. better today. better any day I get to run along the shore of Lake Superior, and I did that today. I appreciate your thoughts. on my way home now. hope the thoughts stay away.

cardiogirl said...

Hi there, found you on a blogroll at Untreatable's Blog. I, too, am a 40-year-old woman dealing with severe depression.

I thought I was the only one who had these wild intrusive thoughts about my death, my funeral, the aftermath, etc.

I have no advice, just wanted to let you know that I am walking that path as well and it's a tough road. Good luck to you.