Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Quiet.

I've been quiet for a few days. I don't mind being quiet, but now that I've got this blog, quiet stresses me out. If I don't write, people don't visit. If people don't visit, I don't get comments. If I don't get comments, I miss out on cool interactions! I try to write every day, and I feel a certain obligation to keep that up, but my brain has gone blank and my energy bust. Frustrating.
I guess this has been one of those weeks, and especially weekend, where I've had to be quite stingy with and protective of my energy. I may have set a new record for napping over the last 3-4 days! It seems everything I planned to do required a preemptive nap. And I mean everything I did! I think I napped 3 or 4 times yesterday! I'm used to taking naps before running, but not EVERY run! And this morning, within 90 minutes of getting out of bed, I required a 15 minute nap just to motivate out to a meeting, which was only 2 blocks from my home! That was a bit pathetic. But, I know if I hadn't laid down and closed my eyes, I would have missed that meeting.
And I felt it was critical to get to that meeting, for if I had not gotten out of my house early, I may not have made it out at all. That has been my experience. Instead of feeling more refreshed because I'd allowed myself more rest, I'd have felt more sloth-like if I had skipped the meeting! Missing a scheduled appointment compounds rather than relieves the energy shortfall. This is the joy of this illness! I am constantly forced to figure these complexities out! Logic is useless.
In fact, attempting to describe this almost feels useless. On the one hand, I'm telling you I required a record number of naps just to function. Yet, if you looked at what I accomplished this weekend, you'd shake your head in confusion. I'm not feeling fatigued necessarily, but I don't have any energy. If I am able to nap, I get a lot done--except my dishes and laundry, which are always on the bottom of the list! Over the past few days, I ran my miles and swam my laps, but I didn't have the energy to sit and write. I don't really get it. Do you? I've been through this with my artwork, too. I do my best painting when I feel like crap, but if I feel too crappy I don't have enough energy to paint. Weird.
The bottom line today: I'm sober. I'm very grateful. I am fortunate to have had the time and space to nap which allowed me enough energy to run, swim, get to some meetings, and socialize this weekend. My brain? Hopefully it will resume active residence in the very near future.
Now, where did I leave my pillow?

4 comments:

BPD in OKC said...

I know how you feel. If I don't get comments, I feel like I'm losing out on something. I'm so used to getting a bunch of comments each day, so if I don't get any one day, I'm sad.

Michelle (the beartwinsmom) said...

I'm glad you popped in with a post. I hear ya totally on needing naps in order to function. Last night I went to bed at 9:30pm, and with the help with Trazodone, I slept for 12 hours. Ugh.

Heh. How ironic. I'm listening to my Pandora radio right now, and the song "You're Not Alone" by Chicago is on. Coincidence?

Hugs for you!!

etta said...

You guys are swell! Thanks!
etta

cardiogirl said...

Amen sister.

I just did five days of an on-going cliff-hanger story I wrote in *high school* because I am in that quiet mode of not feeling like I have anything to say, feeling depressed yet wanting the interaction on my blog.

How strange is that?



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