Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Intense dislike for myself...

Do you ever have one of those days where it almost hurts to be inside your outsides?
Where your skin feels like it's one size too small, and the seams are rubbing in all the wrong places, and you just know there are blisters forming in very inconvenient places, but there's nothing you can do about it?
And that makes it even more frustrating and annoying.

Do you ever have one of those days where every word you speak is just shy of conveying the point you are trying to make?
Where the descriptive terms you need have not yet been created, or you can't locate them in your cluttered mind, or even if you can, nobody seems to understand what you're trying to say?
And you're sure what you want to say is not worth hearing anyway, because every word out of your mouth makes you cringe with disgust and self-loathing.

Do you ever have one of those days where you want to shred your constricting, ugly skin and strangle your whiny, irritating voice?
Where you want to run and hide from the ugliness that is you because one more moment of that you is going to make you puke, or scream,
or homicidal...

Do you ever have one of those days?
Or even one of those moments?
I did. I do.
Last night. And it is continuing today. Ick.

I guess all I can do now is pray.
God, help me get away from me! I can't stand me much longer! Help me get away from me before I make myself puke!
Not very poetic, but I'm not feeling very poetic right now, and I think it gets the point across.
Don't you?


Michelle (The Beartwinsmom) said...

Yup, have had those days, and they're not fun. Sending you hugs... I hope you find a bright spot today to smile about.

Mr B The Tech Teacher said...

You have no idea how well I know that feeling! Last night I was having such horrible thoughts and feelings I really wanted to self-harm. But not for the usual reasons, get out of myself. Like I could cut myself open and escape through the tears in my skin.

I'm really glad I didn't tho, I woke up this morning feeling a lot better and had I self harmed that would have only prolonged my pain.

*much hugs* I hope you feel more comfortable in yourself again soon


etta said...

Thanks for the feedback, guys! Glad you didn't self-harm, Shiv. It never helps, only hurts, as you know. And isn't it amazing what a little sleep can do sometimes? Have a great day, both of you!

Kass said...

Funny. I don't have "those days." That's my life. :-\

Unknown said...

Have those days all the time it seems...self harm oh yes...been there done that still doing it...Mary

Wendy said...

Love your blog!! Thank you for sharing your life with us. I do not feel so alone... hope your well today.