Depression Marathon Blog

My photo
Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Monday, July 14, 2008

random thoughts about a hip...

I have my appointment with my orthopedic surgeon tomorrow to see what's going on with my hip. I have not run since the Garry Bjorklund Half Marathon. In Colorado, I was able to climb, and raft, and swim, but every attempt at running felt wrong. I had hip pain with every step.

My therapist asked me today if I was anxious about the appointment. The question caught me off guard. It was a totally reasonable question, but in that moment I realized I was actually looking forward to the appointment. I find it much more stressful NOT knowing what's causing my pain. In fact, I didn't say this, but I realized I am much more likely to go for a run after my diagnosis--regardless of what the diagnosis is! Yup, sounds screwed up and backwards, but hear me out.

Since I don't know what's going on now, it's pretty easy NOT to run. I don't know what I might be damaging which otherwise could possibly be saved. I also don't know if the damage is already done. So why would I continue running on a sore hip?

BUT once I know exactly what's happening in that joint, I can make an informed decision about my body. I can protect my hip from further damage if the doc tells me doing so would prolong my running career. Likewise, I can be belligerent and say "Screw it," if the doc tells me the damage is done and my options are limited. I am hoping for the first scenario but expecting the second.

So it makes sense that my therapist asked the question. Part of me thinks, "Why the hell aren't I anxious?" There's a lot riding on this appointment. If my labrum has torn again, I don't believe a third surgery will be a plausible option. That scenario plays out with my running ending and a hip replacement sooner rather than later. I am hoping my labrum is not torn, maybe just irritated, which pushes back a hip replacement while my running continues. The worst possible scenario would be to come out of tomorrow's appointment and still not know; to return home without an answer would be the worst case scenario! I guess I am anxious about that possibility!

1 comment:

Michelle (The Beartwinsmom) said...

Etta, I do hope you find answers to why you're in pain, and I hope they find a quick, painless solution.

Good luck at your appointment!