Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

a disinterested life

I've been having a really difficult time motivating to do anything or caring about anything other than running and sleeping lately. I began noticing it a few days ago. I sat down to write several times only to get up and walk away. As I stated in my last post, it's not unusual for life to get a bit unbalanced at this point in a marathon training program. This seems different, however. Yes, I am a bit out of balance--necessarily so--but is that the reason for my lethargy? I don't know, but I don't want to do anything, and most of the time, I don't even care.

I don't care too much about how I look. I don't want to shower. I don't want to cook. I haven't cleaned my house--not pretty when you have a shedding dog! I don't want to go out. I've missed some of my meetings. I don't want to write, and worse, sometimes I don't even care about this blog. My brain tells me to forget about it. What's the point? It's just another thing I
don't want to do. Lack of motivation scares me. Lack of caring...that's terrifying.

Disinterest scares me because lack of motivation usually signals impending doom, i.e. depression. If I get to the point of not caring, well, that's worse. So I'm choosing to interpret my recent disinterest as a result of running lots and lots of miles. But I am worried, and worried doesn't do me any good either. That's why I'm writing it down. Often saying this crap out loud turns things around. Let's hope that's the case this time, too.

I'll let you know.


Michelle (The Beartwinsmom) said...

Oh, how I can relate to this one!! Usually when I get disinterested, that's a huge sign of a upcoming downward spiral. I hope you can jump out the curve and avoid the plunge.

Sending you hugs... I know this ride is not fun at all, but we can endure it with our friends.

Bradley said...

Sending big hugs to you etta. I relate very much to what you are going through when I get depressed. It's scary when you don't care about anything.

I hope your spiral starts moving up very soon and glad to see you've only missed "some" of your meetings.

Michael said...

I feel the same way. I have not been able to motivate myself to do anything lately; at most, I entertain the thought of doing something, but then I immediately give up on it.

Did you find a way out of it? I try to find ways, but it is hard to build motivation without already having motivation.

James G. said...

Hope you're doing well, man. I've been disinterested with life for YEARS. I guess I've gotten used to it. It's not exactly fun, but I can assure you that it's nothing to be afraid of. :)

bearcatFulton said...

I just walk a lot, but I can relate also. I have trouble getting interested in TV, books, spending time with my family, applying for jobs, and even programming. How do I get out of this depression?

Anonymous said...

im down all the time too but i get through it with nice thoughts i just once got told that ur brain can learn to control your thoughts emotions if u let them run wild and let go u wount get better think of all the reasons your living for loved ones how far you have gotten ur achievments helps me anyway good luck :)