Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, September 25, 2008

thinking wide awake

Up earlier than usual this morning after a restless night of restless sleep. Thinking, thinking, know how it is.

Perhaps it was the sore shoulder which kept me awake. I've been putting off calling the doctor back, although clearly this pain has not gone away as we both had wished. I'm too busy now anyway.
Perhaps it was the right leg which ached with a bony pain. I've been worried about a stress fracture, yet hoped it would magically resolve like so many other running aches. Knowing it's too close to the marathon for me to pay attention to it yet, I'll continue wishing it away.
Perhaps it was the speaking issue I had yet to confront. No need, it had gone away for a time, but now it is back. Angry that I'd been too meek to address the person or the issue as I should have, when I should have, I beat myself up in my bed.
Perhaps it was thoughts of my dying friend and my inadequate response which had me rolling to and fro. I urged myself to take an action before it is too late.
The injustice of dying too soon reminded me of the injustice of living with an alcoholic mother. As happened yesterday, this situation sickened me, and I felt angry and tense. Yet, on this score, there is nothing I can do.
Perhaps snapping rudely at my own mother kept me awake thinking of the amends I needed to make. She pushes my buttons with her I'm-a-victim world outlook, catastrophizing even the smallest mistake as a personal, deliberate affront. Last night, the pizza order arrived incorrect. She just couldn't believe it! She just couldn't believe it! After a few minutes, I yelled, "Mom, let it go! It was a simple mistake. No big deal. It can be fixed." I wasn't wrong, but I could have said it with less force and disgust. Feeling ashamed has always kept me awake.
Perhaps it was the health care paperwork looming over my head. It irritates me that I have to go through a lengthy process every six months just to show the insurers nothing has changed. I should be grateful, and I am, but I hate the busy-work. It's overwhelming and time consuming, especially when I've got other stuff going on. But I have to do it. Soon.
Perhaps it was worrying about spending too little, and yet too much time on my blogs. I need to do so much more to improve my visiblility, but do I care? No matter what I do, I feel like I should be doing more--writing more, writing more in depth, publicizing more, reading more.
I'd do more, I thought, if my computer were faster and wireless, which brought me to another solution I had yet to take. I had the phone numbers of three computer techs looking for work, but I hadn't made one call. If I want simpler, more time-efficient blogging, I have to initiate computer repair.
Perhaps it was because I hadn't seen my doc in a couple weeks, and I won't see her for a couple more. That's not typical, and I feel like an idiot for having it effect me so. I guess it's part of my stability routine. Without that frequent connection, I seem to be "off." I'll call, I thought, as soon as the sun comes up.
Perhaps it was procrastination which kept me awake. Not taking actions where and when I'd been able kept spinning in my head. In AA we say take the next right action. It seemed, as I laid there awake thinking, there were many actions I had yet to take. It all boiled down to a lack of action. Lack of action kept me thinking wide awake.

Well, now that I've figured it out, I'll begin taking some action...
As soon as I'm done with my nap!


Bradley said...

Nothing wrong with waiting until after that nap. Remember the tired part of HALT. You've got a lot on your plate these days so it's easy to understand why you got snippy with your mother. She probably deseerved it.

You know as well as I do that making the amends to your mother is what you need to do. It's action. May not be something you want to do, but something you should do.

Keep coming back.

Running Hoosier said...

Please know that your blog is needed out here. You are doing a service to the rest of when you write.

Thank You,