Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

I don't know if I can do this again.

I don't know if I can do this again, but of course I will. It's 6:45AM. In 15 minutes I have to load up Puck and leave for the vet clinic. It may seem like no big deal, especially if you are not a pet owner, but Puck is my child-equivalent. It is a big, big deal. My heart has already sunk, too heavy to remain suspended in its usual locale. I feel so guilty for throwing that damn ball. I feel so sorry for the pain he is in and the severe pain he is about to endure. I can't explain to him what's going on.

I can't tell Puck what to expect. I can't remind him he's been through this before and assure him everything will be okay. He didn't understand why I wouldn't feed him this morning. He stood at his dish, on his three good legs, staring up expectantly with his innocent brown eyes. He's not going to understand when I leave him at the vet clinic with tears in my eyes. It's frustrating, and I'm already stressed.

I woke up several times during the night just to listen. Was he asleep? Was he comfortable? Did he need help repositioning? The rapid fire click, click, click of his toenails against the hardwood assured me he was at least chasing pesky squirrels in his dreams.

I wrote the above before leaving this morning. It's evening now, and Puck made it through surgery. I didn't watch the procedure this time. The vet reported his knee looked perfect except for the totally ruptured ACL. That's better than his other knee where we found a torn lateral meniscus, too. Hopefully, this means quicker and more complete healing of this one. He still lacks some flexion on the other side, likely as a result of the torn meniscus.

I miss my boy right now. My house is so quiet without him here. He'll stay overnight at the clinic. I can't wait to pick him up tomorrow, and yet, unlike Puck, I know the stress that's ahead. I think I'm going to be doing a lot of praying over the next few weeks. In fact, I'm on my way to an AA meeting right now. Think good thoughts for me and my boy, please!


Jackal said...

{{{ huggles to you and Puck }}} from me and Milky.

Jennifer said...

Glad to hear Puck made it through ok.

etta said...

Thank you both. I'm getting ready to go pick him up. He should be home in a few hours. I'm not looking forward to the significant pain he will be in again, but I can't wait to get him back home with me.
Thanks again for your support.