Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Moderately off

I'm feeling kind of sad today. I don't know why. Nothing special happened. In fact, I even got to see my therapist, as she had a cancellation which allowed me time I otherwise wouldn't have had until next week. Yet, I don't think I even mentioned feeling sad to her. I don't think I talked about much of anything. It's like my brain went blank once I sat down in her office. Stupid...or weird, I'm not sure which.

There's still a lot going on in my life. I'm having some financial stress, which I hate. I'm filling out applications, interviewing, and trying to figure out how much I will be able to work if offered a position. As I wrote last week, I don't want to take on too much, as just having a regularly scheduled job will be a big, big change. I don't want to fail. I don't want the depression symptoms to worsen. It's scary.

My parents left today. They are full-time RV'ers heading south for the winter. I guess that could explain some of the sadness. My mom and I have had a strained relationship since she left when I was twelve. In fact, I hadn't lived within an hour of my mom since she left in the 1970's! That is until she and my step-dad moved into an RV park a couple miles away in early September.

Fortunately, the combo of depression and alcoholism forced me to mature in the last few years. It was actually nice to have her so close, although I think I've probably gained 5 pounds from eating out and, well, just eating. I don't really cook meals. She does. You know, like a salad, a meat, a potato, and a veggie? That's an extremely rare occurrence when I'm taking care of myself! I'll miss them.

I'm trying to deal with not being able to run by swimming, lifting, biking, etc., each of which involves going to the gym. Going to the gym requires planning. Running doesn't require much planning. In a moment, I could throw on my shoes and skip out the door. It seems going to the gym is a two hour event no matter what I do. I'm happy with my swimming. Swam another mile today. However, my leg doesn't seem to be improving. Today, I had pain picking up the pace to cross the street. That wasn't a hopeful sign.

I'm worried about losing my fitness. I'm worried about gaining weight (even without my mom cooking). I need to strengthen my hip. I'm worried I won't be willing or able to strengthen it enough. I need to rest my leg. I'm worried it won't be healed even after resting it. And I just want to RUN! No worries...just RUN! Perhaps I wouldn't be feeling restless and sad if I could run into the night right now. That's the other thing swimming, lifting, and biking can't do for me, combat that restlessness. I can only combat those feelings, it seems, by hitting the streets.

Speaking of hitting the streets, I've done a poor job keeping up with walking Puck. The days have been gray and cold. I've walked him a few times, and he is getting better, but I feel like a bad mom when I don't walk him. I'm trying to make up for it by playing tug and ball with him in the house, but I really need to be more diligent with the walks. Poor guy, he must be soooo bored! Sorry, Buddy! I'll do better.

I'm feeling a little sad today. I'm feeling a little restless, too. A bit overwhelmed as well... My thinking is also slightly, 'er moderately off. Not good...

1 comment:

Bradley said...

I'm sorry you're feeling off these days, it's not surprising considering you are unable to run.

I think Puck will forgive you right now.