Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Saturday, November 15, 2008

the thoughts are following me

The brain-fuck continues.

I slept almost all day yesterday. Even when I tried to wake up it proved very difficult. Made it out to a coffee date with a friend for about one hour but was back asleep soon after returning home despite planning to watch a football game. I woke up in my chair as the final two minutes ticked away. Right now, I couldn't even tell you who played.

I made it to my morning AA meeting today, but I was bothered by negative, intruding thoughts throughout. I went swimming after the meeting, which was a minor miracle, as I really wanted to come home and go back to bed. Swimming went well, but I couldn't believe the intrusive thoughts followed me right underwater! Horrible, disgusting thoughts...I usually can't think of anything but my swimming form and lap count while in the pool, so I was very disturbed. Horrible thoughts. I don't get it. I don't get it.

The rest of the day has been filled with restlessness. Tried to watch some football again today, but was unable to focus on or care about the game. That's atypical. I'm uncomfortable at home, but it's painful to be out, too. I know, because I just went to the mall to poke around--something I never do, but I didn't know where else to go or what to do. There was an event at my church tonight, but the thought of hanging around with people I knew was even more dreadful than anonymously walking around the mall. I feel like people can see right through me. Vacant. Unfortunately, I also feel caged in my house. The options seem limited. I don't know what to do.

I'm uncomfortable. I'm scared. I don't like feeling like this. I don't want to keep having fucked-up thoughts out of the blue. This is depression having its way with me. I'm trying to remember it will pass...

It will pass...right? God, I wish it would pass


Janine Kain said...

Etta you said, ' You hang in there, and I will too. '

I'll hold you to that!

Running Through Time said...

What about calling your therapist? I know when I feel this way the best thing to do is be around others, even if it is uncomfortable.

Michelle (The Beartwinsmom) said...

You're not the only one who's having their brain play mental mind fuck tricks. It's been hell again here.

Sending you hugs... I wish it would all stop, too.

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