Depression Marathon Blog

My photo
Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

breathlessness, fatigue and noise

i'm in that space where everything is difficult. getting out of bed, going to bed, sleeping, staying awake, exercising, or sitting around. no matter what i do, it's hard, and slow, and confusing.

this morning, i awoke early and couldn't get back to sleep, so i thought i'd swim. i made it to the pool, but by the time i swam a couple laps, i wasn't going to happen today. and it didn't. i had a plan. i had to revise the plan again, and again, and again before finally giving in to the breathlessness and fatigue.

breathlessness, fatigue...everything takes longer in this icky space. showering, laundry, deciding... it's like my brain has to swim thru a morass of molasses before a thought is released. writing...this is a chore.

tears. no reason. just tears.
every emotion is heightened. every irritation more irritating. every stressor more stressful. every comment or reaction more personal. i can't seem to seperate myself from the world. it's all coming in all the time. i can't filter or sort. i'm overwhelmed because everything gets in. every input initiates reaction, and it's all personal to me. i'm not routinely aware of how much stimuli i filter just to move thru my day. i'm aware now, because my filters are gone. there is no gate. there is no halt. it's all in all the time, and i'm extremely overwhelmed.

breathlessness, fatigue, and's loud without filters. i can't make a decision, because i can't sort the true from the false, the important from the unimportant. it all gets thru so my brain treats every bit as necessary information. but it's's not all necessary. a lot of it is just noise.

it's loud in my head without filters, and the noise wears me out. i'm so tired. i'm so tired of the noise. i'm so tired of the confusion. i don't know where to go. i don't know what to do. i can't even explain how i feel, because it's too loud. it's too loud in my head.

i'm tired.
and discouraged.
and i don't want to go on


John D said...

Etta - I'm so sorry you're in this state. I know it well. As bad as it is, though, you describe it with great power. Everything gets in - you've got that just right. I hadn't thought of it that way - I guess I can't get the distance when I'm in it and only want to forget when it's over.

I've offered you a little bit of encouragement with an award at my blog. You deserve a whole lot more than that. All love - John

Giuseppe said...

I stumbled on your blog by chance, though google search. I also suffer from depression and I feel in these days as you tell in this post.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us.
I wish you all the best

etta said...

Thank you John D. and Giuseppe. I really wasn't expecting comments on this post, as I didn't think it would make sense to anyone but me. John, I'm both sorry and glad that you could relate. It is so, so helpful to know that someone out there totally gets it because you've experienced it, too. I feel so alone right now. Thank you for helping me out.

Anonymous said...

Etta, I know you posted this several months ago but I ran accross your blog today because I needed help. Today I am immobilized. I can't function. I am lost. I just can't think without thoughts in a million differant direction and I am falling in that hole with nothing or no one to pull me out. So thank you for letting me know that I too am not alone and yes this to shall pass.

etta said...

Hi Veronica--

I am so glad you stumbled upon my blog and found this post helpful. Obviously I can relate to your present state. I'm sorry to hear you're falling in the hole. I hope the post helped pull you up a bit. This WILL pass. Hang on!