Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Saturday, December 6, 2008

I want to write, but I don't.

I want to write, but I'm feeling transparent and vulnerable again, and I don't want people to know. I want to write, because writing helps me heal. When I'm having a hard time, I write to sort things out. However, when I'm feeling vulnerable, I can't write with zeal. I edit. I worry. I rearrange, and I delete. Without zeal, writing does not heal. I end up feeling more stressed rather than less distressed. To heal, I can't leave anything out. I want to write without leaving anything out, but I can't. I feel too vulnerable.

I want to write. I want to write for me but also for you. The reader--I want to write for you. Maybe you visit often. Perhaps this is the first time you're dropping by. This blog has apparently helped some of you, and that makes me very glad. Educating others about mental illness remains one of my primary goals, but I can't write for you if vulnerability is my concern. Anyone can write academically. That is not, and has never been my intent. I want to stay real. I can't be real, however, if my transparency is painful. Right now, transparent is painful.

I want to write, but I'm worried. It seems I'm no longer as anonymous as I once was. I'm scared. There is a ton to tell, but I'm suddenly afraid to let you hear. I don't know who you are. I don't want you to think poorly of me. For months I felt well, and now I don't. I want to stay positive, but I'm not feeling positive. I want this blog to provide some hope, not drag people down. I'm too worried about who's reading my blog, who knows me, and who's trying to figure me out. I'm too worried about you, and that makes writing ineffective. I can't write if I'm worried about who might be reading. Right now, I'm worried.

I'm feeling worried, and vulnerable, and transparent, and sick. Ultimately, that's the problem. I don't like feeling sick. I don't like feeling out of control. I don't like having this fucking, unpredictable, irrational illness. This illness makes me feel vulnerable. I'd like to write more about that, but right now I can't.


Chunks of Reality said...

I know exactly what you mean. I am going through a terrible time right now as well. It's funny because in my blog, even though I do not personally know my readers I worry at times what they will think. I worry a lot.

I've been terrible this past week and never said a word about it on my blog until tonight.

In my opinion, writing what you feel can be cathartic if you can do it. At times I've not been able to blog because during the bad times it's like I block and can't write or express anything. I just sleep. Other times I can write but don't want to because I'm worried like you.

This blog is for you. Yes, it's wonderful when you have educational material about depression that helps others. It's awesome. But it's also courageous and real when you blog about what you are personally feeling, even when you feel like complete and utter shit.

Tonight reading your post made me feel better because you reminded me that I'm not alone in this journey. When you are in the throes of depression it is very easy to feel utterly alone.

I hope that you blog your heart out and not care what others think. Blogging about your weaknesses and vulnerabilies displays a true strength.

I will try to practice what I preach. :)

Take care, my friend. You aren't alone, either.

etta said...

Thank you so, so much, Chunks of have no idea how much your comments lifted me this morning. It's still really bad this morning, but I really needed to hear what you said. Thank you for reminding me I am not alone. I will try to worry less, too.

Angel said...

I understand what you are going through! I started my blog to get my thoughts and feelings out. The more readers I get, and especially people that I know, I tend to want to censor myself more because I don't want anyone to worry about me. I do try to be as honest as possible about what I'm going through though, because that is what helps others who are going through something similar. It is hard, but your blog helps so many others!
Take care:)