Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

New Year's Eve can be tough

Being single on New Year's Eve...not priceless.

New Year's Eve, I think, is a tough holiday when you're single. Maybe it's worse because I just went through Christmas and my birthday alone, too. I don't know. This year was supposed to be different, however. I was supposed to have a date. I was supposed to, but then it began to snow and blow in the northeast, and now I don't have a date.

I no longer feel like attending the sober party to which we were invited. I feel like sitting here watching football in my pj's, alone. Probably not the best plan, I know, but I'm so disappointed. My New Year's Eve just went from being a highly anticipated night to the dreaded, familiar bore. The wind has been sucked from my sails.

The wind has been sucked from my sails, but it's more than that, I think. This is a new relationship, a long distance relationship. Immediately after his first voicemail, my distrust was peaked. Fear, fear, fear...it's not snow, it's me--that was the familiar spot on which my thoughts took roost. I'm disappointed and afraid.

I don't like living in fear. Recovery taught me NOT to do that, and I thought it was a lesson I had learned. But then...no call, no voicemail, only the dreaded text message! "Not coming. Sorry." Really? Really? Is that it? Is it really an airport problem? I want so desperately to believe. Desperately! But two unanswered calls later, and my distrust won't leave me alone. It's amazing how quickly my old thought patterns lock me up when I'm scared.

And I'm scared...
I want to trust, but I don't.

ADDENDUM: It's 12:45 AM now and still no word... Fortunately, I said, "Screw it," and went to the party anyway. I had a really good time! Even better, it was the first sober New Year for several of the guests. Very cool to help them celebrate, sober-style! Very nice to be surrounded by a lot of fun, sober people while ringing in 2009. I'm so glad I went. It was way better than staying home and watching football in my pj's.

4 comments:

Jackal said...

Well done you for having the courage to go!!!

Jackal said...

oops forgot to say what I meant to say...

Happy New Year !

{{{ hugs }}}

Anonymous said...

Way to go, Etta! I'm still here :)

If you take care of the little things, they, in turn, take care of the bigger things.

etta said...

Thanks anonymous, but I'm afraid I don't know who you are...although apparently I am supposed to?

Taking care of the little things certainly does help with the bigger stuff. Great quote. Thanks.



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