Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 19 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Fatigue Fights Back!

Silly, silly woman!
Who did you think you were anyway? Thought you had gotten rid of me? HA! Never!
You thought all that yoga and mindful eating was going to cure everything, didn't you? You were playing with those thoughts, weren't you?
Heh, heh...Actually, I was just playing with you, as I think you are now aware.
I was just having some fun at your expense. Allowing your mind to entertain the possibility...the remote possibility that all this happy, goody, loving, spiritual crap was going to make it all go away.
You were getting a bit carried away! I had to come back and reign you in!

Ahhh, c'mon! Don't be mad!
This is our relationship. Tit for tat, remember?
I let you have a little energy, enthusiasm, and hope. In exchange, I get at least a few days of you flat on your back--wiped out. That's the deal.
Besides, it was fun for you, wasn't it? I know you enjoyed that energy, that hope. I know you did! Hell, you even "forgot" your meds more than once! (Didn't think I noticed that, did you? I did.)

Boo,'re frustrated and discouraged. Cry me a river!
What about me? How do you think I felt these past 4 weeks? You were running around all happy and shit. How do you think that made me feel? Miserable, that's how! Did you ever think of that? Think about me for once! I sacrificed so you could feel hope!
Well, that's over now. It's my turn again.
This is our relationship--your bliss is my pain. Your pain is my bliss. I don't care that you never agreed to the arrangement! It is our arrangement, nonetheless. Accept it!
You'll never be rid of me! Ha, ha, ha, ha...

Now, shut-up and go back to bed!


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you're feeling down. I can so relate to your words. Sometimes it's two steps forward and three steps back. "It" seems to always be there, somewhere, lurking. I encourage you to know you'll get thru again.
How is your running going? I'm still training for half marathon this spring and a marathon (my first) this fall. Just wish the weather would cooperate.
I admire your courage and wish you well.


Anonymous said...

Oh, it's so hard. I feel for you I really do. I hope you feel better soon. Don't stop fighting.

Anonymous said...

Wow - definitely know that feeling! I know this is an old blog post, but I have found your posts quite relatable and went back to try and get some history. Hope things are going better for you these days.