Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

restless but running

Another weird, tough day today. I'm just feeling out of sorts...restless, irritable and discontent (to quote the Big Book). I hate feeling like this. I'm full of this jittery, let's-go energy, yet I'm tired. I want to sleep the day away, but can't. Seems like I'd have energy to accomplish a lot, but I basically end up pacing--unable to focus on anything and with patience for nothing. This is not a great place to be. It's weird. I don't like it.

My therapist, per usual, tells me it will pass. It's temporary. And I know that...but it feels ICKY right now. Icky--good word. I think the word icky must have been created for times like these. I'm not sure I'm even making sense. I can't put into words...it's just icky. Does that mean anything to anyone out there?

Well, despite the icky-ness, I did get some stuff done. I made it to yoga this morning, and I ran my first short speed workout late this afternoon. I'm really frustrated with how heavy I feel, and apparently am if the jeans I tried on today run true-to-size! Ughhh... I'm frustrated with craving crap, which seems to coincide with icky-ness, although eating crap certainly doesn't help! So I guess I'm frustrated and icky...but where was I? Oh, yes, I was focusing on the positive! It's so easy to get off track when feeling restless, irritable and discontent.

I yoga-ed. I ran. I went to therapy. I got out grocery shopping for some good, fresh food, and I made it to a meeting. So the day was not a loss. I still feel icky, but at least busying myself kept the pacing to a minimum. Here's hoping tomorrow's a better day!

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Icky days make total sense to me. I hate icky days. I can sooo relate to the pacing with much to do, energy to do it, yet exhaustion pulling you in a different direction. Its ridiculous. I hate those days.

So yeah, I get you...

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