Depression Marathon Blog

My photo
Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

sometimes i just don't want to be sick

so the fatigue i've felt over the past week was at least partly of my own creation, i think. i "forgot" my meds on multiple occasions. here's the thing...i was doing so well. i was feeling maybe the best i've felt in several years.

i was feeling normal, not too high nor too low. i had enough energy to make it through my day, but not so much that i couldn't nap when needed or sleep through the night. my thoughts were relatively clear; not intrusive, negative, or jumbled. i was feeling good.

i figured all of the fine self-care i was doing--yoga, sleep, mindful eating, meditation--all of that would protect me. i allowed myself to go there...maybe, just maybe, i could be normal.

i'm not normal. i'm still sick. i still have a chronic illness--a biological, treatable illness--but an illness, nonetheless. taking good care of myself while taking my meds lessened my symptoms and made life easier, but once i practically discontinued my meds, my symptoms returned. i'm disappointed. i'm humbled. and i'm smarter.

i'd become increasingly resistant to taking my meds recently. no particular reason-- i just didn't want to be sick. i guess you could call this my 'am i normal' experiment. i received valuable information from this experiment. less resistance and more acceptance--that's where i'm at today. as the big book of aa notes, "acceptance was the answer."

i have depression. it's an illness. i'm doing well. and i need my medication to continue doing well. humbling. reality. acceptance.

1 comment:

Bea Baylen said...

if you fatigue already, take a moment with rest..don't force yourself.