Depression Marathon Blog

My photo
Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

despite the fatigue...

Despite the fatigue mentioned in yesterday's post, I'm still on my feet. After writing yesterday, I did get out for my run. I even ran a speed workout, 5 x 800 meters. It went much better than expected. I was wiped out afterward, but I'm glad I did it. I always feel good after I run fast, despite the pain of running that fast.

The weather has been quite challenging lately. Cold, cold, cold and wind forced me indoors yesterday and today. I'm glad I have that option. I'm just not into battling Mother Nature anymore. Battling fatigue, apparently, is more than enough.

Despite the fatigue, I had a decent day at work. Today was the first of a very busy stretch for me. I handled it. I know I can do anything for one day. I'm trying not to worry about the days ahead. We are nearly full with patients, and beginning Monday, I will be splitting time with another facility in order to cover their therapist's vacation. It's exhausting to think about.

I'm trying not to think about it, because splitting time is tough. Our facilities are about 20 miles apart. I'm not familiar with their physical layout nor their patients. Unfamiliarity requires extra energy and sharpness. That's tough. As was the case today, I feel I'll need to be "on" all day, every day, next week. Perhaps this doesn't make sense to many of you, but being continually "on" is exhausting.

I deal with my fatigue by taking breaks. I might take a few extra minutes in the bathroom or climb the stairs more slowly between patients. I might prescribe a set of exercises and then steal a minute to write a note. Unfortunately, staying "on" does not allow for many breaks.

Staying "on" can be exhausting. An overload of patients requires treating them in groups, therefore no spare minute for a note. Unfamiliar patients require extra history, interaction, and observation. It may feel as if I have no time to slow down. Yet, I'll need to slow down. I'll need to find space for breaks. And I need to quit worrying about what may happen. Worry is also exhausting, and it's exhausting today.

Despite the fatigue, I'm doing all right. I'm doing what I can. I'm trying to take pride in what I've accomplished, rather than lamenting what I haven't. I need to stay in today, not worry about tomorrow, and not project difficulty into next week. I know all that. Perhaps telling you will help keep me on track. Thanks. Thanks for holding me to the track.


Emma said...

I am also familiar with the bone-aching fatigue you describe.
So frustrating! I loved your poem Dogs Life. I have a magnet on my fridge which says "My goal in life is to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am". It makes me smile, especially when I look down at the expectant face as I open the door!
At the moment it is time for a walk, not a run.

The Real Gal said...

I hear you! I love to walk, not run and I force myself daily just to somehow clear the cobwebs of my mind and migraine despite that I only got 3 hours of sleep. I hate worry and I agree it is exhausting! Thanks for sharing!