Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Great expectations

She says my expectations are too high. I expect too much from myself. I don't think so. She says feeling frustrated and distressed when depression holds me down is normal. But my psychologist doesn't think most people get as distressed as I. Maybe so. I know feeling distressed about feeling depressed is not helpful. I can't help it. I do expect...I've already compromised enough to this fucking illness. I don't think expectations are bad, but today I think it may be her expectations which are too high.

Depression has me pinned. She wanted me outside by noon. It's after one o'clock, and the world outside my window feels a million miles away. I need to rest. I need to run. I need to sleep. I need to eat. I need to convalesce. I need to clean. One appointment already gone, cancellation of another will be next. Each failure adds to the distress. Depression has me pinned.

to be cont...


Emma said...

Etta, I honestly do not know if leaving a comment is helpful, or perhaps at the very least, a confirmation that you have been heard. Your description of your present pain and struggle is very familiar to me, and it is also a battle with which I am presently engaged. I have no answers, and to be perfectly honest, it sucks!!

etta said...

Emma--thanks for hearing.