Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Worried about fatigue

I'm getting a bit concerned about my fatigue. Over the past few months, fatigue has gradually taken over my life. In fact, it's been so gradual, I just noticed it the other day. I'm only doing the bare minimum requirement everyday. I'm going to work, but I can't accomplish anything once I get home at night. If, after work, I don't take a nap, followed by dinner and bed, then I sit in my chair vegetable-like, followed by dinner and bed. It's not much of an existence.

I figure I'll get the unfinished tasks done on my days off. However, on my days off, I end up "catching-up" on my sleep, doing the exercise I didn't do the night before, and then sleeping off the exhaustion following exercise. Like I said, it's not much of an existence. I'm concerned about my fatigue.

Existing on the bare minimum requirement is frustrating. I like my work, but I don't want it to consume my entire day. I'd like to give time to myself and my dog, too. This was one of my concerns when I returned to work 3 months ago. I was worried I would be too mentally and physically tired after work, that I wouldn't have energy for any other activity or self-care. That is, it seems, exactly what's happened.

I like staying in shape, but I don't want exercise taking up my entire day either, especially if the running, yoga, or biking only lasts 1-2 hours. Eight to ten hours of rest or vegetation is a high price to pay for 1-2 hours of activity. I feel good about being active, but the volume of rest leaves me more sluggish, frustrated and overwhelmed. I end up with negative consequences for positive actions. Tough.

These negative consequences cause me consternation. As I've discussed previously, I have to decide where it's most beneficial to expend the ever-decreasing allotment of my energy. I can't do what it seems most people can. I can't work and exercise on the same day. I can't cook and wash the dishes. I can't wash clothes and fold them. One or the other... One or the other... It's frustrating.

I'm concerned about my fatigue. I can't finish what I start. I'm falling behind. I'm getting overwhelmed. This is not an existence I'm happy to lead. I wish I could get past this fatigue.


Anonymous said...

Boy can I related to this.....I found you thru Entrecard, but the depression piece really resonates....I too tend toward depression and stay on 2 anti-depressants all the time! But circumstances at work and personal have went on a downhill landslide and I'm a mess! I don't want to get out of bed and go to work AT ALL. I sit at home and do only the absolute minimum, with a house that is a wreck. I have an appt in 2 weeks, hopefully there is some change in meds that will help; otherwise, I'm going to bed and staying there! Teri

Anonymous said...

Etta -

Is the fatigue apparent just since you started working again, or has it been in the background? As TeriB mentioned, antidepressants definitely have side effects- do you think that may be part of the issue, or is the work schedule pushing to envelope on this one?

Either way, hang in there. You've accomplished a great, great deal in the past few months. Someone once told me "...wildfire is better than no-fire". Maybe so...

Anonymous said...

Wondering if you were on medication at this point? This is exactly where I am right now, as I contemplate starting Lexapro.