Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Monday, July 6, 2009

feeling a little blue

Maybe it was returning to work--a fairly negative environment which sometimes sucks the life out of me. Maybe it's being home alone after spending more than a week surrounded by others. Maybe it is my continued fatigue despite recent interventions. Maybe it's just a normal reaction to returning from vacation. Whatever the reason, I'm feeling a bit blue.

Blue worries me. I don't like feeling blue. Blue is tiring, and I'm already tired. Blue may mean a depression relapse is on the way. Feeling blue is a little like living in suspended animation--I'm waiting to see what comes next. Will it go away? Will it get worse? Or will I just stay suspended, waiting? Blue worries me.

I don't know why I'm feeling blue. I don't really care to figure it out either. I'd rather it just went away. I'm glad I have a day off tomorrow. I can rest, visit my therapist, and hopefully go for a run. I'd like to get back into a running and exercise routine, although I don't feel like doing much of anything. Lack of motivation--another symptom of feeling blue. Damn, I hate feeling blue!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Try not to let blue worry you, Etta. Blue is something everyone runs into; especially after vacation. I don't suffer from depression, but I feel it from time to time, everyone does.

Just as an afternoon rain shower is rarely foretelling of an impending hurricane, blue doesn't have to be a harbinger of oncoming depression-issues. Accept it as best you can, EXPECT that you (like all of us) are going to run into it on occassion, and own it.

Sometimes the best way to manage the fear of deep water is to just dive in every once in a while. You know that you don't like it, you know that you're a bit scared of it, and you know that within it is the potential for bad things to happen. BUT (that's a divine conjunction, you know) its mere presence doesn't mandate that bad things have come.

I don't know depression, I admit. But I do know this; the more times you jump into that water, accept that you're frightened and that it's "unknown", the less frightened of the water you will become.

THe past few months have seen you through some pretty amazing progress. Don't assume it's all for naught. It's not. Progress, much like "normal" folk, hit speedbumps too. Blue is just one of them.