Depression Marathon Blog

My photo
Diagnosed with depression 17 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

sleep, sleep

The weekend is concluding, and I am briefly awake. That's not been normal this weekend. I've mostly been asleep. The past two days have looked a lot like this:
Wake up. Eat cereal. Watch the Tour de France. Sleep. Eat more cereal. Sleep. Look at my housework. Sleep. Look at my unmowed lawn. Sleep. Watch TV. Sleep. Think about making something for dinner. Eat cereal instead. Sleep. Watch TV. Sleep.

As you may have guessed, this is not a satisfying pattern in which to be. I'm hitting a wall. Every task feels monumental. Nothing seems interesting. People are becoming painful. I am heavy. I am slow. I am isolating. This is a scary place to be. I think the chronic fatigue is getting the best of me. I feel my mood sliding down. I feel the abyss rising up. I am afraid I'm sinking into the hole.

But I'm trying my hardest to stay afloat. Despite myself, I somehow got out for a bike ride yesterday and a run today. I'm really not sure how I got out the door. Neither activity felt good. I'm sure neither looked good, but I got out there. Gotta give myself credit for that. I'm trying hard to stay afloat.

Tomorrow, I have to get back to the world. I'm dreading work. With people becoming painful and my brain moving slow, work could be long and excruciating. I guess I better bring my life-preserver.


Anonymous said...

oh etta, I can relate way too much. I'm so sorry. But you are doing everything you know to be right - get out and exercise... eat good (as hard as that can be). Try not to beat yourself up. Just do what you can and carry that life preserver with you!

Anonymous said...

Just found your blog, so forgive me for not being familiar with all your trials. I wonder if the cereal you are eating is high fiber, low sugar? Most mass produced cereals are not and the resultant blood sugar high/lows will keep you in a constant state of low energy and confusion. Eat protein always and low glycemic carbs - you will be amazed. Also, it's ok to sleep a day away! It's the negativity towards it that makes it hard to bear. Enjoy it and the fact that you are able to do it. :)

etta said...

Oh, Anonymous, wouldn't that be great if it was just the cereal I ate?
Thank you for your comment about sleeping. You are right, I know it is sometimes okay to sleep, but when I feel like this, it feels frustrating and stifling rather than okay.

Anonymous said...

Etta -

It's Chris. Can you tie any of this back to vacation (or coming off vacation?) The post you wrote upon arriving back was the first post in some time that you seemed to talk about the "blahs". Up until returning from Colorado, you have made progress, and you know it. Don't assume it was all smoke and mirrors; it wasn't. Just because clouds and rain move in doesn't mean the sunshine never truly existed, nor that it won't return. It will.