Depression Marathon Blog

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Diagnosed with depression 16 years ago, I lost the life I once knew, but in the process re-created a better me. I am alive and functional today because of my dog, my treatment team, my sobriety, and my willingness to re-create myself within the confines of this illness. I hate the illness, but I'm grateful for the person I've become and the opportunities I've seized because of it. I hope writing a depression blog will reduce stigma and improve the understanding and treatment of people with mental illness. All original content copyright to me: etta. Enjoy your visit!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

The sun and the sponsor

The sun is shining, and we've had two beautiful days in a row. Puck and I ran 15 miles yesterday and 8 today. My legs and body are constantly tired, but that's pretty normal for this stage of the training game. Only four more weeks to marathon day!

I found a new sponsor. For those of you following along, you remember my sponsor relapsed a few weeks ago. It's been a tough few weeks filled with all kinds of conflicting emotions surrounding this issue. I finally did chat with my old sponsor on the phone. I let her know I was angry. She understood that. I told her I found a new sponsor. She thought that was a good idea, too. Things are okay, I guess.

Well, I thought they were okay until I met with my new sponsor yesterday. She had me do an 'anger inventory' about the situation. I found out I'm still a work in progress on this issue. As she put it, "being angry is normal, but as alcoholics we cannot afford to hold onto anger and resentment. If we do, we die." It's true. If I hang onto the resentment, I'd likely end up miserable. If I'm miserable, I'll likely drink. If I drink, I will eventually die. So I'm still working on my anger inventory.

One of the things I've learned in AA is that expectations are just premeditated resentments. I had expectations that my sponsor would never drink, and that she'd be my sponsor forever. When she drank, both of those expectations were shattered, and I quickly resented what she had done to my life. (Can you say selfish? What about what she'd done to her own life??) Ultimately, this has been and continues to be a lesson for me. As usual, accepting life on life's terms, rather than trying to control the world around me, frees me from my resentment and is helping me move on.

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